013Home
I was gonna write a post titled 'momentce'. its still sitting in my drafts half-finished, because I got distracted halfway thru writing it due to writing something else specific for a friend, which was worthwhile.
anyway, that was two days ago, and most of the momentce that I wanted to document have well and truly been assimilated into the fog of my memory. I could still write about them, but it would no longer be the version that was going to exist.
this seems to be happening to a few people lately.
anyway, here's part of those drafts:
- - - - -
once upon a time you treasured these. then you spent a season or two trying to expunge as many of them as possible. you're glad some survived. you've realised by now that you would regret losing these memories. you miss her - not the person you went to see, but the person that you were when you did.
not what you meant to do that afternoon. but that was okay.
- - - - -
she's framed by the messy wave of her hair that you dyed together, she is flushed and out of breath from walking, the image is marred by cracked glass and the pixel-blur of a struggling connection.
she is the most gorgeous thing you've ever been lucky enough to see, and you ache to hold her soft cheeks between your paws again and kiss all the curves of her face.
- - - - -
in no particular order
~ singing with [____]!!!
~ sending [____] messages
~ dog visit and associated fears
~ lunch with [___] people
~ talking bout film
~ puppy prose
~ walking and scheming
~ getting code working
- - - - -
you keep noticing yourself linger on one of them for a moment every time you glance over. you're mildly fascinated by activity of the evening (photo editing), although much less interested in the subject thereof (cars). you pretend this is the reason you look over so often. the internal justification is itself an admission of guilt, though - nobody else is paying you any notice, after all.
- - - - -
it's still far too warm - partly due to the heater that's been running constantly, but also due to the cat curled up next to you, purring and radiating heat.
you spend the evening with her cuddled up against your side, her feline nonchalance daring you to suggest she's anything other than perfectly neutral about the proximity. you, on the other paw, are absurdly content.
- - - - -
...that block in the middle is the almost-total list of momentce I was going to write about. I've removed the ones which did get written or partially written.
some things I would probably add to it, since then:
(again, in no particular order)
~ driving to the airport
~ dumplings reprise
~ pink dog blue dog
~ the dichotomy of family dinners
~ resetting the password on a dubious archlinux install
~ lessons learnt from an inadvisable comedy podcast
~ music practice and the realisation of knowledge
~ holding a dog
its amazing to me how many of these moments I could write an entire post about, give y'all some possibly-important insight into my personhood through primary-school style recount, littered with metaphors that sometimes make sense or sometimes deliberately don't.
it's also cool how I don't think I need to. Writing them down shortform like this is morally equivalent to writing a full post, at least for my own recollection... and I have a feeling that the next few weeks will be just as rich in similar moments. Maybe I'll write about those.
You do get one more though, because I really wanted to write it. The words had started forming before the memory had even solidified. It's a continuation of one of the above mentioned moments, but I think I'll leave it to your imagination to decide which one.
- - - - -
eventually you turn the lights out, and as those paws wrap around you and pull you in close, you begin to feel incredibly... safe. your breath catches in your chest a little, and you're abruptly hit with a sensation that nearly brings you to tears - in a very good way.
it's the overwhelming relief of rediscovering something important... something you didn't even realise how badly you were missing until you found it again.
you lay awake for a long time, unable to fall asleep but not bothered in the slightest by this. it means you get to experience this moment for a while longer, after all.
you've missed this feeling. it's nice to be home.
- - - - -
💚💜💛