025Run
i can feel the creeping, growing little impulse to run away and withdraw again.
its different this time. i'm... aware of it, in a way im usually not. like its resting against my skin rather than crawling underneath it, foreign rather than intrinsic.
but its still there. its trying to find a way in.
im really not even sure what im running from.
the last few weeks have been full of twists and changes and unexpected joys and unappealing choices. a lot of it has been very nice.
some of it has been very nice.
a bit of it has been frustrating and aching and tedious.
and i feel tired.
it's not... for no reason. but it does feel disproportionate. i'm more tired than I have reason to be. i'm less happy than I want to be, like i feel i have cause to be.
there's many good things in my life at the moment. theres some wonderful dogs, and also one very lovely mouse tucked away in our insulation, right where she belongs again. I'm looking forward to hearing her scurry around more soon.
there's some wonderful dogs in my life.
one of them is very far away, and i think about that all the time. it's not that uncommon for me to meet someone new and seem to spontaneously fall in love, but its rare for it to be completely and consistently reciprocated.
'love' is perhaps a bold, risky word to be using-
but there's no consistent timeframe or standard for me to compare against, so what the hell.
she's quite far away. go figure; you'd think i'd be used to that. i find myself sitting here distracted, hoping for so much and not knowing what to do about that or expect from this and im so scared of messing it all up-
my two best friends are each other's girlfriends now, and holy shit when i got the news i grinned so wide and for so long that i had to hold my cheeks afterwards until they stopped hurting. i hid under the blankets and existed in my little sensory deprivation bubble of excitement until I could do anything other than wiggle and laugh.
since then, many fun and interesting and cosy things have happened. i love them both a lot.
every day, i get a little more scared of some kind of inevitability. i dont even know what im expecting, but i know by now not to expect things to last. i dont like that.
one of the lovely dogs is my girlfriend, and
its been a while since ive known what to write about her in a blog post. i keep saying i will, though.
in many ways she is the centre of my life. the point on which the scales balance. the middle of the seesaw, the place that never moves.
the object around which i orbit. it is an elliptical one, I think; we have our summers and winters.
i feel steady, knowing we'll never drift too far from each other, not without some catastrophic impact to throw us off course.
and these days, im terrified of the way i never seem to get close enough for her to touch me.
i'm just tired. and the urge creeping across my skin tells me to drop all these spinning plates, let gravity take its course, and run.
i dont know where to, or what from, or who i'd do it with.
i dont have a clue what im actually scared of.