026
its oddly quiet today. out there, but also in here.
i dunno what that means.
...
how are we meant to feel, as people, about other people?
we knew from the start that our petty vindiction would shrivel up eventually, but it was so pretty while in bloom. it attracted attention, and we all know that any attention is good attention.
what are we going to replace it with next, now the aesthetic moment is past?
there are so many things that like to masquerade as righteousness, and so little way to tell them apart.
it is lovely though, the way these shrivelled flowers flare and burn and pop. its lovely to play in the ashes with you.
cant build a bridge out of ashes. it washes away in the flood that comes after.
...
petrified is an odd word.
it means frozen; replaced; fearful; solid; preserved; old; observed.
its how my heart feels.
changed; unchanging. under scrutiny. cold. steadfast. tired.
so much easier not to feel anything about anyone. so much easier to sigh and not be a person.
...
its kinda loud today. the crackle and flicker of ash at the end of a cigarette. presumably somewhere a plane is busy making a lot of noise. i can't hear my heartbeat, but i can feel the pulse and pretend that i do.
every time i go outside, i look up at the sky for a moment and feel like i could howl for hours.
then i blink, and breathe in, and look away.