103 - Sydney and some other thoughts
the first day in sydney felt perpetually unreal. waking up at 5am, airport, plane, airport, and its somehow barely 10am will do that to you.
we wandered around the city later, and made jokes about everything feeling like a videogame; the illusion of it looking bigger than it actually is, streets you can see but couldnt walk down if you tried, crowds that seemed translucent and hollow, the feeling that if you walked around a corner too quickly you'd be met by a blur of indistinct shapes as the world finished rendering.
i remember laying on the floor for hours, carpet comfortably rough against my face, feeling totally unmoored and out of place and pointless.
later that night i spent the train ride back to the house full of ramen and gloriously unpleasant beer and the feeling that everything would be okay, actually.
it was a long time before i fell asleep. we're near the airport still, and the planes are loud. my thoughts seemed to be trying to outcompete them.
- - - - - -
the second day in sydney was different. not more real, but less unreal.
we explored bookshops, and record stores, and rifled through little antique shops where it was abundantly clear the owner didnt actually want you to buy anything, only occasionally allowing you to do so out of necessity.
it rained!!
there was a lot of feelings on that day. i didn't actually cry, but i was glad the sky seemed to do enough of it for me.
that night i lay on the couch listening to the thunder, and i felt like i had somehow summoned it, like a friend passing by and noticing you need a hug. not under my power by any means, but aware of me, and sympathetic.
my best friend walked past and kissed me on the head as she wished me goodnight, and i felt it like hope stretching out and waking up in my tummy.
- - - - - -
the third day has been quiet and lovely.
we caught the train to a comic store in the city, and spent some time there. it felt like several long hours, but i think it was only one or maybe two. they were good hours though.
i didnt find anything i wanted to buy, but i found lots of things i liked. my friend bought a few gifts, including one for herself.
looking at the things in that store, i felt a strange kind of reluctance to show any interest in them. like i was appropriating joy from somewhere else, borrowing something that wasn't mine. part of it was embarassment as well; a fear of seeming too eager to join in my friend's interests, and a sinking suspicion that even if i tried i wouldn't be able to do it 'good enough'.
as if there is any kind of eager joy that isn't good enough. that was quite silly of me, and i did my best to talk and be excited about the things i saw.
we went for a walk after, and i got coffee and everyone else got some kind of juice, and we wandered between stores and bought a bag and made jokes about what we saw.
if the first day was a videogame and not quite real, then today was a chapter in a coming-of-age novel: imperfect, queer, too-eager and rampantly beautiful for it.
we went back to the house, and some of us cooked dinner while others got ready for the show they were seeing later, and i felt an echo of another night in September where we cooked dinner and sat around a table together, and for a few hours we were family.
while they were gone to see the show, i had a big talk with a pretty girl. i felt a lot of things, and i shared them, and she surprised me by saying she loved all of them, even the raw and ugly feelings as much as the polite and well-adjusted ones. she says a lot of insightful things, and sometimes i can feel them changing the way i feel about myself, and about others, and i think i like the changes. i don't think she means to, she's just like that.
while the others were away, i tidied up dinner and cleaned the kitchen. i didn't get as much done as i wanted, but nobody seemed to notice what i didn't do.
when she got home, my best friend told me twice that she appreciated it very much, and i thought: yes. i knew you would, and thats why i did it. it is good to feel secure and loved, knowing your actions will be seen. i am happy to do things that you appreciate.
she and her girlfriend had a shower together then, and i could hear their soft conversation through the wall, wordless and comfortable, broken by occasional laughter and the splash of water against the tiles. i thought that it sounded as much like love as anything ever has.
i texted the pretty girl about it, saying how cute it was and how comfortable i felt, and the way it made me feel happy-jealous. she asked me what i meant by that.
intense love, visceral vicarious happiness, bittersweet loneliness and longing, nostalgia, hope, fierce protectiveness, quiet adoration, the feeling in my chest of 10,000 warm pleasant needlepricks
something that might become contentment if i take care of it and let it grow a bit longer
thats just how the two of them make me feel in general, to be honest. when i am myself.
i felt very much the same later, when my best friend was calling her crush, and there was that same soft sound of conversation through the walls, and her voice had a brightness to it that lit little sparks of joy in my chest.
i think its important to love your friends too much, too eagerly, too desperately.
i told someone i love them for the first time in quite a while tonight, and then i did it two more times, or maybe three. it felt good, and i am glad i did, and i am glad to know her and love her.
- - - - - -
everyone else is asleep now, or at least in bed doing whatever it is that other people do before they go to sleep.
tomorrow we're getting on another plane back home, and all of this will feel like a dream. truthfully, it already does, but i'm only half aware of it in that way you are when you're still within the dream.
i think life will be different when we get back. i'm not sure how, or why. maybe i only feel this way because i am dreaming right now, or because i am midway through a very strange novel, or because it is 2am. regardless, i know that it is true.
remember this moment, when you're reading this later. we will never be exactly these people ever again, and that's beautiful. i hope we look back on ourselves with kindness.
love eagerly, and harshly, and without caring what people think. it's better to be too much and too loving and too eager, than to miss a chance to make your friends feel loved.
tomorrow we are going home, and right now, for this one moment, i know exactly what that means.