106 - This is fine

14 Jan, 2026

read the title. picture the dog with his little mug and his hat. i've gotten this far without figuring out image embedding on this site and i'm not about to start now.

cool, thank you.

everything is on fire.

- - - - - -

last night's post seems really ironic in hindsight.

for those of you who did read it but didn't figure out what it was about, that was a collection of quotes from, to, or about a girl i met and fell in love with recently.

just... moments that i thought were worth remembering. a lot of them seem mundane or contrived without the context surrounding them, but thats okay. i have the context.

two of them were between me and my best friend, and i think those were some of my favourites even before the events of today tbh.

being in love is very good, but being seen to be in love is a really fucking special kind of intimacy. especially from someone who understands how valuable it is, knows what you've been through to find it because she's been through it too.

i'm so incredibly grateful to have someone like that in my life.

this morning, the girl i fell in love with sent me a very hard message.

i did the same thing i've done every time before. i listened. for a moment, i let the smallest glimmer of my hurt show, because i think you have to. and then i did my damnedest to make sure she had as much closure as i could give. as much reassurance as was appropriate. i said goodbye to another little chapter of my life.

im not entirely sure yet that it won't reopen in some form. maybe we get an encore, or a part two. or maybe not. i'm doing my best to not care about those possibilities either way.

usually these kind of events absolutely destroy me. and, to be fair, i have not come through unscathed. but i've had no less than three people¹ today be surprised by how much i'm not despairing about this, which i am choosing to take as a sign of good character growth and not a widespread (and admittedly, justified) lack of faith in my emotional stability.

i'm just... determined not to let this tear me down, y'know?

nah, thats not true. it doesnt even feel like an option. i've gotta get through this. i've got to keep loving people.

i've been writing about that a bit recently. loving my friends, being a little too enthusiastic about it, trying not to be afraid of being too much. i'm very sappy.

i don't always like it, but i think this is one of the very important things that defines me. i am too much, and that means i always have enough.

but today i got hurt pretty badly. so now, the shit in my head wants to shut all that down. it wants me to close off, cut away, stop talking and stop loving and stop trusting. protect myself.

i won't.

i've been surrounded by love today. from my best friend. from some friends of friends who barely know me. from people i've hurt. from people who didnt have to. from myself, which is possibly the most surprising one.

i don't feel like i need to repay that, not exactly. turning it into a debt would be the wrong thing to do. but i wanna live up to it, and treasure it, and nurture that feeling.

so im not fucking letting this pain take any of it away from me. the self-esteem, the belief, the trust i've found again. it's mine.

and that girl i fell in love with? i still love her.

tell me i'm naive, or dysfunctional, or whatever. this is another important little piece of who i am. i don't fall out of love easily.

i don't blame anyone for being angry (including myself), but i know how hard this shit is. i know she didnt send that message or make that choice peacefully or easily. i love her, and i mostly just hope she's going to be okay.

everything in her life is on fire right now. she has some good friends too, just like i do. i hope they're supporting her the way she deserves. i hope she's able to have as much love for herself as she has for everyone else. and maybe everything will be okay. i hope so.

if she needs another friend after all, i'll still be here.

and if i've ever said "i love you", that goes for you too.

sweet dreams everyone 💚

- - - - - -