107 - Getting better (is really tiring)
its 2am, and i dont know if i have anything really insightful to say. but i feel like writing something.
i should be asleep. i've been trying to convince myself to go to bed for over an hour, and instead i'm doing this as the latest distraction.
there's something really tiring about 'getting better', which they of course don't tell you about when you're in the fucking trenches.
there's a sickly freedom in believing that you're so far gone, nothing matters anyway. you can break the rules, ignore the consequences, sabotage yourself. even if you do end up being around to see the outcome, it's not your problem in that moment.
but then you wake up from the nightmare, and the sun is shining again and the flowers are blooming and the birds are singing... and you gotta do something about it all. clean up your mess. make it worth it.
i become an incredibly selfish person when i am deeply depressed, and the person i steal from the most is myself.
i'm angry about it. because now i'm the one who has to deal with the dishes that have piled up, the mess in the corners of my room, the uni assignments that may never get completed, the relationships that i gouged apart with ugly words, the heavy-ass wardrobe that i pushed in front of my door during my obsession with isolation.
and frankly, i'm not strong enough even for the simplest of those things. i'm fucking tired.
but i gotta do it anyway. if i stay in the mess, i only slide backwards. and then i get the honour of sabotaging my shit all over again.
getting better is exhausting. being in this awful in-between state where i'm no longer making my shit worse, but haven't recovered enough yet to really sort out my life, is exhausting.
but i gotta do it anyway.
i gotta do it anyway.
i don't want to slide back to where i was.
its hard to acknowledge when she's done so much damage to my life and hurt so many of my friends, but even the deeply depressed version of me was just doing her best to keep us safe. she may have been horribly misguided, but she never had any malice in her. she was just afraid.
she deserves a rest too. i can take it from here.
i gotta. i will.
goodnight everyone 💚