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realised tonight that i have an odd, perpetual craving for the feeling of being told what to do.
yes, please laugh and roll your eyes. the trans girl is a sub, who knew.
what i mean is,
there's an easily missable but important difference between being asked,
"hey, would you like a hug?"
and being told,
"come here, let me give you a hug."
the latter certainly isn't always better. it needs to be from the right person, with the right tone, at the right time.
i can think of one person in my life who would definitely get away with assumptions like that. with most people, i'd stand my ground and refuse unless they got it exactly right.
but hana, didn't you just say that you crave being told instead of asked? yeah, i did. go figure.
i think it's about feeling understood, and held, and welcomed into their protection.
"lets go get something to eat"
"come on, lets get you to bed"
"i tidied up for you a bit"
"here, i cut up some fruit for you"
"don't worry, i already took care of it."
the confidence to make those assumptions. the confidence to believe that you understand what someone needs. from the right person, that confidence is enough to make it real.
it's very comforting, being able to let go of your independance for a few moments. it's comforting to feel like you're not a mystery.
its comforting to believe that someone would see what you need and choose to act on it without hesitation.
its also a bit scary. and its very easy for me to reject comfort when i'm already feeling threatened.
i'm trying to work on that though.
don't take this one too seriously maybe, i'm not sure how many of these thoughts i stand by.
i just know there's some certain words i really wanna hear from someone right now.
xx