115 - the dream is(n't) over
is it stupid to have faith in something?
is it stupid to believe in love?
i don't think so. i gotta keep thinking it isn't.
you meet someone. you fall in love. you get your heart broken, one way or another. you get up, and you do it all over again.
again and again. and again.
where do you stop? when is it better to give in to nihilism? when do you accept the inevitable, that every good thing must come to an end?
i think you can't.
i've fallen in love so many times. you'd think with the frequency of it that i'd have forgotten some of them by now, or discredited some of it, or stopped calling it 'love'.
but thats not how it works. thats not what love is.
you get up. you do it all over again. and you never forget them.
every person who passes through your heart leaves a path and a door, and they take the key with them when they leave.
its not a choice.
to build on it, commit to it, create something from it - that's a choice you have to make, every day and every time it gets hard and every time the world tries to pull you apart.
but the door they leave stays, even if they don't. you know without a doubt that if they ever come back, you'd let them in without hesitation.
and no matter how many times, how much it hurts, you have to let new loves create new doors.
because what's the point otherwise? we weren't made to be cold and alone and unkind. we were made to love people. falling in love defines who we are.
and having faith in that is what defines who i am.
so i believed, wholeheartedly, that this love would last. i believed in you and your ability to bring out the best in people.
that doesn't mean their good side, their niceness, or their likeable mask.
i mean the obsession. the flaws. the unhinged craziness and the hurts and the things they've never shared with anyone else.
you are so good at feeling like home, and it attracts the kind of beautiful people who have always needed one.
i still believe in that. i still believe that something so pure cannot and must not just disappear from the world. there has to be a way.
maybe i'm wrong. i'm often wrong. perhaps in a few days this reality will sink in, and i'll have to reshape my understanding of the world one more time.
i dont want to. your happiness makes me so damn happy.
i'm not ready to let go of the future that has so much happiness in it.
i know you're not either.
i hope she's not. i hope she decides to fight for this a little longer.
but i know, whatever happens, you will get up and keep going and try again. your broken heart will heal, but it won't ever forget.
i can't do much, except hold onto that faith and try to be here for you in whatever way might help.
i don't really have a good way to finish this entry, and i think that's fitting.
the dream can't be over yet.