117 - insert unrelated halo joke here
yeah sorry, im a nerd
anyway!
there's a special and specific type of fear i think you get from being some combo of autistic, traumatised, and growing up being punished for trying to do nice things and fucking it up.
i just watched an instagram reel where a guy brings his wife breakfast in bed, and they've got this whole cheesey bit where he won't take credit for it, he just 'found it on the doorstep when he woke up' and she's gonna have to 'watch tv and share it with him, just so it doesnt go to waste, y'know?'
it's gorgeous. it's clear they both love it, love each other. he feels secure to do this for her.
i so desperately want both halves of this. to make someone happy by bringing them breakfast, and to have someone bring me breakfast like that so i can express how much it means to me.
i can think of... nearly half a dozen people i love enough to do this for, or would be overjoyed if they did it for me.
and i cant. it's terrifying. it scares the utter crap out of me.
who am i, to assume they'd even want that? i'm a nuisance, an inconvinence, an unfortunate gesture tolerated with a strained smile at best.
my attempts at expressing love never seem to go well. they're usually mistimed or badly thought out, or i've just misread the relationship entirely and it's actually absurd that i'd even do that. the few times its gone well, something usually sours it in hindsight.
there's exceptions. there's one person i'm thinking of who i could do this for, and when she reads this i wont be surprised if breakfast shows up at my bedroom door a couple mornings later.
but she's very much an exception.
i wish it wasnt so scary.
sometimes i think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, that it's my lack of confidence that in fact makes my attempts so distasteful.
i dunno. i hope that one day i'll figure out how to love people the right way.
until then.
xx