118 - cw: passive suicide
the voice never really goes away, does it?
just take your helmet off and hold the throttle open until it's all over. it'd be so easy. do it coward, you won't. you're way scared.
unfortunately the voice is right - i am scared, and i won't do it.
but the voice doesnt go away.
even though i'm doing better. even though the meds are working, and i havent had a real spiral in almost a month. the thoughts are still there, just stripped of all meaning.
am i really getting better, getting my life back together? or is this just a different type of being fucked up?
have i become cruel, or is this just what self-worth feels like?
my therapist tells me i'm more broken than i realised, and i should write a letter to my younger self to apologise. well, i'm sorry kiddo.
some of my friends tell me they're proud of me. others dont really talk to me anymore.
i'm holding all these pieces of my life and i dont know what to do with them. im even less of a person than i thought.
do it coward. you won't. you're way scared.
i wanna prove that voice wrong. spite is a hell of a motivator, and god knows i need some motivation right now.
but i am afraid. afraid to leave, afraid to keep going, afraid of what happens if i do the things i think i need to.
1millon cigarettes and energy drinks are only gonna work as cope for so long. i must have written 'something needs to change' a thousand times, but no matter how many things change its never the right thing.
do i know how to be content? i'm not cut out for all this.
am i the problem, or am i just good at finding them?
i love all my friends. that'll have to keep being my cope for a while longer. i can keep being patient. what other choice is there?
it'd be so easy.
xx