120 - a brief update
for whoever the fuck is still here.
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i turned 26 about a week ago.
as far as birthdays go, it wasn't a bad day necessarily. it started off slow, and i cancelled some plans i made with a loved one because i was feeling... nervous? anxious? dreadful? i was feeling something, which further events have led me to believe was the real problem.
so we didnt go out to get birthday coffee and pancakes together like we planned, and we still haven't, and honestly that kinda sucks. but its my own fault, as are most things i'm unhappy about. so there you go.
two different friends unexpectedly visited and brought me birthday cards.
one of them very tellingly tried and failed to do it without having to actually see me on my birthday, but the card was very nice anyway. it was full of truths and totally devoid of any actual compassion. i adore it.
the other one... it was nice. really nice. in another life maybe it would have been perfect. thats all i can really put into words about it. it's really nice.
this week has been fucked. i got superbly drunk on the night of my birthday, and when i woke up the next morning i wasnt a person anymore.
i didnt feel anything when the person i adored told me we couldn't have a relationship together.
i didn't feel anything when a handful of other people sent me late birthday wishes.
i didnt feel anything when i let go of the shards of my life and watched them all tumble away down the drain of apathy.
i am not letting myself feel anything. i don't have any other options left, and i wouldn't want them if i did.
it's funny how being alive is such a habit. you'll keep on doing it for no reason other than because its what you've always done. even when there's no purpose left, you keep waking up every morning and going to sleep more or less every night, wishing you wouldn't but feeling terribly disinclined to do anything else about it.
i can feel it coming to an end though. this entry is proof of that.
i'm angry.
mostly at myself, for letting it go this far. for not giving up sooner.
but also quite a bit at other people, for... everything. yeah, pretty much everything. it doesnt matter what y'all do after all. i'm still unhappy about it. just one more of my fatal flaws. even if everything had gone how i wanted, would i have been happy at the end of it all?
i dont think so. i dunno how.
the world's fucked, y'know? with every unbelieveable thing that happens, i realise more and more that there's just no point to life. life is worthless. we, people, have just become another currency to be spent.
i feel pretty spent.
i dont know how to write the rest of this entry. one part suicide note, one part plea for help, one part last-ditch effort at pushing people out of my life at last.
the great irony of always feeling like everyone else's backup plan is that i can't even prioritise myself. i can't care enough about my own wellbeing to just end it all. too concerned about the consequences. too scared that i'll cause too much hurt along the way.
i want to lay down and die, but laying down takes up so much space. i'm so much less of an inconvinence if i stay standing up and performing this default mimicry of living for a little longer.
i'm a coward, and i dont want to be responsible anymore. i wish it'd end without my input somehow.
yeah.
so, thats how its been going. i dont know whats going to happen next. i dont really know how to break out of this holding pattern, in any direction.
maybe there'll be another update soon. hopefully it'll be my obituary. stay tuned.