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i feel as though i am constantly begging for everyone's time, and i really dont like any part or consequence of that feeling
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"no, i can't ask them if they wanna hang out, i haven't earnt that yet" is a fucked up thought to have on the bus at 7:49pm about someone you met last weekend
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the idea of a night to yourself being a luxury rather than a mild torment at best
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yesterday i spent 4 hours texting someone, and no part of it was about drama or mental illness or trauma. it was immensely lovely, and it felt so immensely alien also
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counting the days feels like cutting off fingers
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i write this here because no matter who i might otherwise share it with, i would feel like i was trying to guilt them into something. and i'm not, i swear i'm not, i never want you to feel like that
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it just weighs so heavily on my heart
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every time i reach out, i have to convince myself i'm worthy first. i daydream about what it would be like to not do that
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i know im just reinforcing the walls. i know i know.
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two steps forward, two steps back