134 - intention
there was something you said a couple weeks ago, about always feeling calmer on the days after we hang out.
i went looking for the messages, but i cant remember your exact wording.
i've been thinking about it since then though. there's a set of traits that i try to emulate, common in the people i love; their dynamism, the wittiness, the fast-paced non-stop conversational panache.
it doesnt come naturally. i can be energetically chaotic when the mood is right, but its in a different way. more brazen, less cultured.
for the most part though, i am thoughtful. i take my time. i like to observe and consider and choose my moment. i abhore being rushed, whether its to an appointment or a conclusion. i could listen to you talk for hours.
all of your friends seem so similar to many of mine. quick, sexy, confident, with refined opinions and fashionable personas. i am eternally prone to comparison, probably due to the very aspects of my nature i've just outlined. i observe. i consider. i wonder.
i wonder why you keep coming back.
but so far, you do. you've said a lot of things about your friends, what you adore and admire, and so far its usually their quickness, their sexyness, their confidence.
i suppose you dont really need any more of that. maybe i was silly to work so hard at being like everyone else.
...
i worry that the feelings i have are twisting my motivations, whether actually or even just in your perception. so many comments and little compliments i'd like to offer that i instead bite back, because what used to be cute and goofy now feels burdensome.
the worst part is that i dont know. i live in fear of myself. what do i actually want? how does that differ from what i would have wanted, had things gone differently? does it matter?
i've never been good at untangling it all. i hope that my intuition is correct, that i do know what is best for myself, and you know what is best for you, and we'll find some stable equilibrium.
you asked me to tell you if this all started to ache, and i promised i would.
i've slid through on a technicality, unfortunately. we didnt say anything about the ache already being there. but what good would it do to tell you?
...
even so, i feel content around you, comfortable, myself. even if my not-so-secret ideal did not come to pass, i am still content. more than one thing can be true at once.
and you seem to echo the sentiment.
i'll trust it. if my silly quiet calmness is why you keep coming back, then i know what part of myself i wanna lean into.
goodnight xx