135 - a million and one
you make a million decisions in the course of your life, and you'll forget most of them.
as i set out to write this, at 4am, it feels very important. that's why i've made the decision to write it.
it feels important because it is 4am, because i am a dramatic and idealisitic poet at heart, and because i've been reading a fantasy book about gods and faith and the end of the world, so everything feels a bit portentious.
did i decide to be awake at 4am, reading? not really. some things just happen, with no conscious decision ever being made. sometimes the decisions aren't made in your mind, but in your body, your nervous system. nobody chooses to have a panic attack. nobody chooses to fall in love.
but you can decide what you do after those things. you can decide whether or not to put yourself in a position where they're likely to happen again.
i make a lot of decisions that seem momentous at the time (often at 4am). decisions about changing things, reigniting hobbies or friendships, taking direction and finding purpose.
one night fairly recently, i made a decision to end my life. everything was prepared. even now, i am fairly sure i would have followed through.
it was interrupted by one of the loves of my life deciding to ask me if i wanted to share some shitty, stale chocolate cake with her.
a decision so seemingly inconsequential, and yet it's one of the most important she's ever made for me.
a million times, i've been hurt, and decided to distance myself from someone. a million times, i've decided that i cant trust the people that i love, or perhaps that i dont love them at all.
a million. that seems like a lot, especially for that kind of decision. shouldn't you only need to make that intensity of choice once?
your decisions change you, i think. even if you dont act on them. choosing is itself an act, as is not choosing. and those 4am decisions are often some of the most important i've ever made, even if i don't act on them in the morning. even if all my intentions, good or bad, seem to have a habit of rapidly fizzling out.
the feeling stays. the feeling shapes who you are. you remember the reasons and the emotions of it all, woven into your psyche. even if it all seems so much less impactful in the morning. it mattered that you were there in that moment, making a little pact with yourself. making a decision.
a million times, i've lost hope. i've given up on friendships, and on love. i've felt drowned by despair, or worse, apathy.
...but you cannot have moments like that a million times unless, in the interim, you have chosen something else. to hope. to love. to believe, in yourself and in others.
the pendulum swings back and forth, always. i think this is part of how things are meant to be. i'm starting to feel at peace with it, that i'll always be a creature of 4am whims, and of fierce passion rather than lasting conviction.
and so i have faith. a million times, i've been at the brink of giving up, losing hope, letting go of something or someone important. a million.
but the number of times that i will choose instead, at the last minute, to hold on, to feel hope and love?
a million and one.
xx