140 - sleepless
this is the second night in a row that i havent been able to relax and fall asleep
i forgot to take part of my meds last night and i thought that was the cause of it, but everything is normal tonight. except that i'm still awake.
i was tired. i was sitting at my desk, trying to stay up a little longer, and gradually falling asleep there
but as soon as i lay down all the demons come out and Get Me
can't stop thinking. dreaming. wondering. worrying. reliving. inventing.
i'm starting to hear things. last night it was a high pitched ringing in my left ear, and this morning it was still there. like an electrical whine, but always on my left side no matter where i was
now i can hear the mechanical ticking of the little timer in my oil heater. it's distinctive, the same note over and over except occasionally one of them will rise a fraction. it's annoying. i wear headphones whenever my heater is running, to drown it out. it's annoying right now.
the heater isnt on. its not even plugged in. it's quiet, but i can hear it. i've been able to for hours. i might be going mad. what a crazy mundane thing to hallucinate.
i feel sometimes like my life is detailed in a cipher that i've never had the key for
the only way forward is to try and force the code. i keep finding myself in the same situations over and over, and every time i make slightly different choices, trying to find the combination that makes sense.
lean in. dont lean in. be eager. dont be too eager. be honest. be less honest. lie. be honest again, with omission. be dramatic. dont be dramatic. let yourself feel. shut it down. reach out. don't. wait. hope. dont hope. live. don't die. let go. hold on. try again. be present. try your best. give up. push them away. absent. idealistic. realistic. cynical. nihilistic. say the words. don't say the words.
but i end up back at the beginning, no matter which choices i make.
i'd have made different choices, if i knew then what i know now. and i dont think it would have changed anything. but it matters to me anyway.
i dont think this will help me sleep. but i can hope.