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28th Mar, 2025

To summarise my thoughts about this: Here goes nothing.

Today was a day following an altogether different day. Yesterday I cried multiple times, wrote a vent poem, transcribed a part of it to my arm with dark blue sharpie, and then spent a good amount of time discussing these things with a couple of incredibly dear friends, which made it all feel a lot better.

Today I woke up feeling hopeful, took my morning medication, and then promptly fell back asleep for another three hours (entirely contrary to the stated effects of the medication). That sucked a bit, cause it meant I missed the entirety of my morning class. Again. But it did mean getting the bus into the city with one of those very dear friends I mentioned, possibly for the last time for a while. So there is that. Sometimes things happen not as planned, but perhaps better for it. And everything has positives and negatives.

The day was mostly good after that. I spent a lot of it feeling very good. At one point, we went shopping. My friend departed to go look for something, alone. They did not find it, but in their brief absence I got stuck dwelling on some other events, the trigger for the previous day’s distress. This sucked.

It still hasn’t abated. I feel torn and conflicted. What do I want, really? And why? And why not?

We watched Lord of the Rings, all together. Just the first part. That was quite fucking lovely. And then we walked back home up the street, all hand in hand. That was lovely too.

I wish I could take enough solace in these moments to offset the ache of all the others. I wish I could weather this storm a little more adequately.

They’re all quite patient about it. Will that last? I hope so. And yet, perhaps a little more pressure would motivate me to make it unnecessary.

Hah. That’s bullshit and you know it, Hana. You have tried that. There are other approaches.

The point of these is one of those, I think. Keep a little better track of what exists in my head, from day to day. Everything is too transient otherwise.

I’m going to go sleep now, I think. I’m still in my being brave era, after all.

If I don’t write tomorrow, come bite me about it.