21-ish hours later

14th Jul, 2025

tonight im a bit sad and lonely.

and thats okay. thats a way that things are sometimes. it doesnt have to be the end of the world.

I went and hugged my girlfriend about it, and then asked my best friend for another hug, which it very kindly obliged. good hug.

did this fix me? nah. im still sad and lonely. but for a few moments I was sad and lonely and being hugged, and I'm not fixed but I don't think I need to be.

I've been thinking a bit about forgiveness.

I like forgiving people. I've known a lot of people in my life who seem to be the opposite - they like holding grudges¹. forgiveness is foreign and uncomfortable.

I find grudges foreign and uncomfortable. I don't like being upset about things. I want to say its okay and I love you and i understand, as soon as possible.

i think maybe this is why I seek out information so much, at least in part.

a lot of the time it seems like it's a mental illness thing - i'm always looking for the bad, for more reasons to be upset and feel unhappy. and like. yeah, i am guilty of that sometimes.

but that reason always rests on top of the other one. because I go searching when im not feeling mentally ill, too.

if you've ever had a pet dog in your life for any amount of time, chances are at some point or another you've bonked them with something by accident, or stepped on a tail in the dark, or tripped over them when they walk behind you. it happens.

what always amazes me is how they react to it. after the moment of startle and shock... they come up to you, tail wagging, paws raised

somehow it translates immediately through the language barrier

"hey, it's okay. im not really hurt, you just startled me. I love you! I know you didn't mean it"

it's like they know you're gonna feel bad, and thats the last thing your puppy would want. it wasn't your fault, after all. these things happen.

that's me, I think. just, with a whole lot of extra baggage on top

there's so many voices in my head insisting that someone is out to get me, the pain is on purpose, i've done something wrong and you've done something wrong and I ought to be angry about all of it

i dont wanna believe those voices

i like forgiving people. I'm not built to hold grudges

I think what I'm looking for (and expecting to find) has always been proof that the voices are wrong.

... but thats the easy way out, isn't it? it's easy to believe in something you can prove. that's not the point of faith. i need to stop looking.

so what I'm trying to say, I think, is that I have faith in you

wag wag wag, I know you don't mean it. its okay. i forgive you

and im just a dumb little puppy. i hope you can have faith in me too.