belonging
... ...
alright. lets just start typing on the assumption we wont post this one.
cause there's such an incredibly strong something coiled inside my chest right now, and i dont know how to put it into words.
what is belonging? what does that mean?
being wanted. being home. having a home. understanding. being able to breathe at night. not being afraid to go to sleep. not being afraid of being touched. not being afraid of being in love. sharing. being able to leave your door unlocked. being able to be alone. not wanting to run away.
its not a feeling i've ever felt for long. belonging to someone. belonging somewhere.
it's a weird word.
belonging. belonging. it loses meaning quickly. take it apart into its consituent pieces, and it means almost nothing.
belonging. being. longing. be. belonging. long. belong. belongings. belonged.
has it become nothing yet? it has for me. sounds weird in my head. tastes odd in my mouth.
the thing in my chest is uncoiling and spreading out. it hurts less, but scares me more. makes it harder to find. harder to pin down. harder to recognise.
do i belong? i don't know. not through my eyes. maybe to others. i don't know.
i'm scared. i'm worried. i'm anxious.
there's a lot to be scared of. to be worried over. to be anxious about.
i'm excited too. i'm happy. i'm comfortable.
about some things. specific things. but not in general, i think.
how do you generalise it? how do you make it universal?
you don't. you don't. you don't.
i don't know.
i just wanna belong.