Contentment

17th May, 2025

I'm sitting on someone's couch, listening to Phoebe Bridgers' Punisher album on vinyl. Two of my best friends are in the next room over, half asleep and holding eachother close. I'm cozy under a blanket, about to get up to change the record. I'm wearing one of their jackets, just to see what it feels like.

As we walked here from the train station, I fell a little behind. I idled for a moment at the top of the driveway, not sure if I should say my goodbyes or simply slink away unnoticed, if I could. But that's not why I was hesitating, of course.

I spent most of today in the city with my friends, wandering and catching pokemon. We got lunch. I had coffee. The whole time, I felt out of place. Like when you don't know where to put your hands in a conversation, your gestures always trying to become more enthusiastic until you have to pull them back in abruptly. But with all of me, my body and personality. I had forgotten how to exist with them.

I've never really listened to Phoebe Bridgers before. I've been aware of her for a while, heard a song here or there. But never dedicatedly listened. It's nice though; a sort of slow and irreverant melancholy that I respect a lot.

When I paused at the top of the driveway, one of them noticed immediately, and just stood and watched me. The other took a moment longer, before turning around and walking back. She asked if I wanted to hang out a while longer. I said I didn't know. I asked if she wanted me to.

She said I was welcome to. The other person nodded, once, hard.

It's the sort of moment I would expect to see in a particular kind of young adult novel. Affirming, laden with unspoken meanings, not quite real. I don't think there was much of a sunset, it was too cloudy for that. I'm already remembering the moment with the appropriate pink-golden tint overlayed on it though.

Now I'm sitting on her couch, writing this and listening to lovely music. This is the same place I was sitting when I first wrote a journal entry, just before I started this blog. I don't think that particularly means anything.

Right now my girlfriend is six suburbs away, getting a little tipsy and watching a movie with some of her friends. Even just thinking of her makes me smile a little. I hope she's as cozy as I am right now. Every now and then she texts me something nice. I love her.

I can hear my two friends in the next room, talking quietly. I hope they're as comfortable and cozy as they deserve to be. Thinking of them makes my heart glow a little. I'm glad I joined them.

I'm thinking of another friend, currently in the next state over. We've had... a rough relationship at times, and So Much is happening right now that we haven't really talked for a while. But I think of it almost every day and take a moment to hope its okay soon. I miss it.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. I am warm and comfortable. There is a coarse happiness coating my ribs and my heart. I am... not quite content, I think. I still feel a little too misplaced.

But I can picture contentment again. I can hope for it.

I am wishing for the world where all the people I love are happy.