Hey, you
I dunno how you're going today, but I hope at least that work was simple and you're getting some rest now <3
I know you said you weren't accepting any alternate viewpoints on this, so thats NOT what this is meant to be. Nevertheless, I am being a bit audacious in writing it, I acknowledge that. That's why it's here, in a private post rather than your dms - its entirely up to you whether or not you read it. But I hope you do.
I started writing it this morning, right after I woke up and read your entry from last night. I couldn't find all my words then, so I finished it just now, a few minutes before sending you the link probably. I actually wrote this little foreword last. idk, thats not really important.
It's not meant to be an argument, or alternate view, or rebuttal of anything anyone else was said. I trust you to come to your own conclusions, and I'll support whatever path you take, as long as it's not actively killing you.
Maybe what I have to say will matter, in some way. Maybe it won't. That's up to you, and it's okay either way <3
- - -
Dear Luna,
y'know, I argued with elle. When I first asked about coming over the other night, and she told me you were already planning to, I backtracked immediately. I tried really hard to convince her that no, it's fine, I won't interrupt your plans, I'll come over another time.
I think I understood that neither you or her would have space for another person, and I (selflessly) didn't want to put you in that position and (selfishly) didn't wanna be in that position either.
That's what it means to be friends with someone who's Going Through Ittm, right? you accept that sometimes it's gonna be like that. You work through your feelings about it, which you're allowed to have. But you try and respect the spoken or unspoken boundary of "I just don't have energy for you right now, sorry."
Anything less than that is... idk. Not friendship. Something else.
So I wasn't gonna come over. I understood what was gonna happen. I talked to elle about it.
She convinced me it would be okay, it was worth trying, that she'd check in with you about it. I should have checked in with you myself, maybe.
And then... everything. As we both predicted, on some level, but hoped would be okay anyway.
Very genuinely, while your lack of energy for anyone except elle didn't go unnoticed, and it did sting a little, it would have been okay. I was content to do the same with Emma, or eventually just sit with you anyway once I'd psyched myself up for it. I dunno if I mentioned to you, but I was about to come sit with the two of you and just.... hang out. be there. exist. even if you didn't consciously register it, I knew it'd matter on some level. For you and me and elle, and Emma.
Then I got triggered by something else entirely, and that plan went out the window.
I wanna stress this: Your selfishness did NOT cause what happened on Tuesday night. Do not take sole credit for it. It was a mess of a whole lot of things, and you are allowed to be selfish when you're tired.
Whether or not that's part of a bigger issue is still something for you to figure out and work through, just...
you can't build self-sufficiency (or anything else) in isolation, remember? You have friends who love you. You. Luna. As you are, and whoever you become, flaws and all. You still deserve love and kindness, in the meantime. Please trust us when we offer it. It's so much harder to grow as a person if you cut yourself off from the things that make the cold bearable, y'know?
I can only speak for myself, but I meant it when I said I forgive you last night. It's hard not to, when I think I understand. You're not the only one who fixates on people. You were one of mine for a while there. And it ended up hurting you, and me, and 6p, and probably others. I hope I've learnt from those mistakes, that I'll notice sooner and handle it better next time (because it will happen again. that's part of my nature, personally.)
But becoming friends with you wasn't part of that mistake, okay? I don't regret our many chats, going out for lunch together, the late nights in your car, the cuddles, the walks and getting to know you. There's a balance to be found, that's all.
I fixated on elle too at one point, pretty extensively. And it led to Emma getting left by the wayside for a little bit. The three of us have talked about that, and worked through it, and Emma and I have measures in place now to make sure it doesn't happen again. 'Cause I care about her so fucking much. If nothing else, take that as proof that is is possible to recover from those fixations, restore things afterwards. We can do better.
Apart from anything else, it's genuinely a bit ableist to say that you just... shouldn't form fixations, whether it's on people or on other things. But yes, like any other fixation, there does need to be moderation and balance. For your sake and for others. So of course I support you trying to find that going forwards.
Just, don't forget you have friends willing to walk with you while you figure it out. Don't burn yourself out trying, please. If you can avoid it. You can't keep anybody warm, much less yourself, if you run out of fuel completely.
You can make mistakes, and that doesn't mean you did the wrong thing.
You can do the wrong thing, and that doesn't mean you're a bad person.
You can be a bad person, and still be capable of change and growth.
You can change and grow and make amends, and people may still not forgive you. But that's on them, and other people will see that growth and celebrate it with you.
So I accept that you made mistakes, maybe did the wrong thing, maybe were the bad person. I won't argue if you need to believe those things in order to move forwards.
But you're lovable too. You always will be. I believe in you, Lunamouse.
if you got this far, thanks for hearing me out. Sorry about my rampant hubris~
I'd say I love you to the moon and back... but you're only 2.5 minutes away, so that's not very far at all, and you're MUCH more loved than that >:)
(god thats such a bad joke, I just wanna make u smile if I can-)
With kindness and love and so much hope,
from Hanapuppy xoxo
💚💜💛