Entry 5
it's our last night in melbourne.
...well, sorta. it's only barely 6pm, so not really 'night'. there's still plenty of time for a few last shenanigans to happen, in theory.
i dont know if i want any more shenanigans. i think i've had enough of that for this lifetime already. i'm craving more anyway.
i went for a walk just now, along south wharf. i stopped briefly at a table and was talked to by some people very similar to me. it felt... discomforting. a reflection of who i almost could have been. so i kept walking, down the street a bit to another bar, and there i saw absolutely nobody like me. this was comfortable, and terribly lonely.
i dunno what i expected, but i know what i was hoping for. i didnt find it.
if melbourne has made me feel one thing more acutely than ever, its a sense of displacement. it's not because of the city, or how far i travelled to get here. i carried it here with me. i've just been made aware of it.
i barely know who i am. i only vaguely know who i want to be, and i don't understand who i want to be, not least because it keeps changing all the time.
last night i saw a dog, and i briefly thought about what it would be like to talk to that dog. how it might perceive itself, if i could ask.
it'd be very simple, i think. dogs usually don't have much in the way of self-doubt, at least not about identity.
i wished i could be like that.
tomorrow morning we'll be driving home, i think.
i'm still not sure if i want to. in fact, i'm pretty sure i dont want to. unfortunately, i dont know what other option i would prefer, and thus i suspect i'll stick to the default.
its gonna be a long drive. a lot of time to think.
i wonder who it is exactly thats going to be getting out of the car at the end of it.
girl. game designer. student. dog. they. friend. annoyance. person-to-be-missed. optimist. child. disappointment. programmer. sibling. puppy.
i've been called a lot of things. i dont know what to call myself, though. i dont know if i even really get a choice.
i had so many hopes for this trip, y'know? i don't think people realised, cause we were so lost and apathetic and afraid about it for a while there.
but i had hopes. you had hopes.
were those wishes fulfilled? not really.
did other things happen instead? yeah, i guess they did.
and now we're going home tomorrow. last night in melbourne.
i think thats all i've got to say at the moment.
talk to you later, little one.