Entry 6
hey there
im trying really hard to stay positive about things tonight. the last few entries definitely haven't been; i'm sorry about that.
i think the word 'trying' is still an important one there though. to state the obvious: you don't have to 'try' and stay positive when things are going well, and you're feeling good.
but i have a little lucidity from it at the moment. so i'm trying to hold onto that, even if there's still an awful tightness in my chest and a bubble of scary thoughts floating around just outside our head.
i've been trying to reach you, in the hope that you'll have some better idea than me what's wrong right now. this sort of depression doesn't just come from nowhere, y'know?
it's a weird half-state we're in tonight. i feel... isolated, lonely, a little forgotten. a few months ago, those feelings would have always been accompanied by at least a little bit of anger and resentment, usually at someone, mostly at myself.
i keep watching those things trying to get in. like i'm laying in the silt of a riverbed, staring upwards through the water at the insects skidding along the surface, held there by surface tension. nothing they do up there affects me down here.
sure, I could reach up and break the tension myself. I could drag those thoughts down here with me, and presumably get eaten alive.
why would i want to do that? it's... oddly comfortable down here. i'm still drowning, but at least im not getting eaten. i'm not upset about what happened. and the bugs keep trying to find a way to make me be, but i don't want to.
anyway, sorry. I'm rambling a bit.
the point is, it doesnt seem like you have any better idea about what's wrong than I do.
we definitely miss people. and... it's hard to do anything about that, when the bubble of bad thoughts keeps suffocating all my attempts to feel like... i dunno. like there's a point to it? for us, or for the people we miss.
i know, in some kind of distant way, that there is a point. people miss us back. in a lot of ways it was you last night, who reached out when I couldn't. you still remember that it's worth it.
i think it might've been you who got angry last night too. or me, on your behalf? i'm not sure. that would make sense though, why i'm not angry now.
i'm sorry. i should've tried a little harder, before it got to that point.
i don't know what the problem is, little one. i'm just so hollow inside, and nothing seems to make it go away for long anymore. i haven't felt like this for a very long time.
i'll keep looking. i'm still trying, i promise. please forgive me for the times when i'm not strong enough, but i promise i'll keep getting up again.
i hope we can figure it out. i want to stop feeling lonely. i wanna feel worthwhile again.
thank you for your help. g'night kiddo.
💚