Entry 0: an experiment.
in the short lifetime of this blog, i've made several mentions of 'accidentally' making regular posts.
i've never posted regularly on purpose though. i've deliberately avoided it, mostly out of fear. can't let yourself be too similar, too obviously.
last night when i couldnt sleep, i killed some time by rereading old entries written by a friend. it was interesting to re-examine them with a newer perspective.
once upon a time, i knew more about this person due to that blog than i did from actually speaking to them - which is even more startling when you consider that we talked quite a bit at that point.
it was an odd and extremely interesting way to get to know someone, anyway.
all this to say: it is my intent to try and write nightly posts for a little while, just to see how it feels.
there's a lot going on in my head at the moment. a lot of feelings i can't explain. a lot of impulses that i'm struggling to keep track of. maybe this will help.
i'm setting myself some ground rules though. i am once again stealing someone else's bit.
for a long time, i've entertained the concept of having a... younger self, still present as some part of my psyche. my soul.
sometimes she's only small, about 6 years old. sometimes she's more like 16. sometimes it's anywhere in between.
always she is full of righteous anger, and naive joy, and a paradoxical mixture of contentment and helplessness. she is me as i should have been.
you have probably met her, in my best and most vulnerable moments.
...having a younger self is hardly a unique premise. several forms of psychological therapy encourage it, alongside the concept of 'reparenting'. and for better or worse, every second queer i meet seems to have a smaller side.
still, its one of those things i'm weirdly protective of, something that I developed independantly, before ever coming across all the analogous forms of it out there. i dont really like talking about it. so these entries are going to be an experiment in a few ways.
starting from tomorrow, each night's entry will be written to my younger self.
this means finding a way to be kind to myself when i write.
this means writing about things i find interesting.
this means being open, and honest, and keeping things simple.
this means prioritising myself as the audience, regardless of who else is listening in.
...who knows if this'll work. maybe i'll stumble at the first hurdle.
some of it might get a bit weird. some of the language might not make sense.
maybe we'll even co-author a few posts. thats for her to decide.
i'm also not going to hold myself to 'every night'. i'm not forcing it if it doesnt feel right.
i'm also not holding myself to posting all of them. they're for us, after all. some of it might be private.
in any case. we'll see what tomorrow brings.
ninight 💚