Entry 4: you and me.
I never finished my letter to you last night. I got about halfway through, and then I was interrupted, and I never came back to it.
this is ironic. for the sake of the hidden audience, i'll explain: the last two words i wrote of that draft were "I'm sorry."
an apology for not writing every night like I said I would. An apology for prioritising other things and people.
tonight I'm prioritising us, and i feel really bad about it.
i'm conflicted, and confused, and overstimulated. i really wanna be alone to lay in the dark for a bit. maybe i'd welcome a little company, just one or two friends. if we could just lay in the dark together. if it was quiet, and comfortable.
i don't think i can handle groups right now. three is a crowd. what's four?
but our friends, our family are upstairs, watching a movie we'd probably enjoy and eating a meal that we really should be sharing. they want us to join; all three of them invited us individually. exactly the kind of love and concern that we craved for so many months.
so why does the thought of joining them fill me with dread? what am i afraid of?
this is just... how it goes, i guess. groups are scary. too easily, i get lost in a group and i forget who i am. sense of self is eclipsed by the group dynamic.
when its quiet, and there's only a couple friends or even just one... it leaves more space for me, y'know?
hm. that sounds odd. you know what i mean, but again for the sake of the audience;
i don't mean that in the sense of people paying attention to me. I am much more at peace with being occasionally invisible than i used to be.
i mean it leaves space for me to pay attention to myself. to be who i am. even to let you out, sometimes.
maybe thats why i'm afraid. maybe i'm just rambling and making things up.
i just wanna be myself tonight, i think. i'm tired.
i have some really special friends. they let us be ourself. its nice.
but sometimes its still easiest to be myself, by myself.
i feel bad about disappointing them though.
if you're feeling up to it later, maybe we'll go visit again. but i'm not gonna force us to.
we can lay here a while longer, just you and me.
💜