It really is just always everything all the time I guess 🐝

~ Let you be you, and me be me ~

20th May, 2025

Hang on, I just opened this page and then realised I've been meaning to make coffee for the last hour. My hands are cold.

brb

Okay, I'm back. Fuck, it's even more cold downstairs.

Today marks 3 weeks that I've been taking a new antidepressant, as vaguely mentioned before. Tomorrow I have a phonecall to talk to my doctor about whether it's working.

I don't... really know how that's going to go. Like, I think I'll keep taking it. But I'm quite on the fence about whether it's meaningfully doing anything. Everything is so damn circumstantial.

I know I've been clenching my jaw a lot, so it's doing something anyway.

The spirals seem to be coming less often. Less wasps in the nest. It's been nice, but I also wonder if this month has been better more due to another specific cause. I guess it's probably a bit of both.

But, on the other hand... while they're much less frequent, and much less severe, they've also been feeling more... inescapable.

The pattern I got used to over the last few months was that whenever something upsetting happened, I'd be plunged immediately into a well of painful thoughts for a handful of hours... and then just as quickly resurface when I receive a little reassurance or support, or even just manage to let those hours elapse without any further aggravation.

Today, I woke up at 10am, and then stayed in bed for another 3 hours because there just... wasn't any better reason not to. Everything felt pointless. Part of me watched myself do this, quite acutely aware that these are classic depression symptoms, and I should do something about it. But it didn't matter enough.

Eventually I convinced myself to get up, partly due to being hungry and partly out of some vaguely petty desire to isolate and spend the day alone (more depression symptoms, yay).

And this... didn't really abate, the way I'm used to. I spent the entire day in a vague funk, sitting in offline mode and suppressing almost all of my usual inclination to message people whenever I wanted human contact.

I still can't pinpoint a particular catalyst for this. I really enjoyed my weekend; I went on adventures with good friends, spent some time on vc with my girlfriend, played boardgames with my housemates. I was feeling good about life, almost content. And yet, today I just woke up apathetic.

It's becoming more and more important that I find a way to live for myself, I think. That's something I am notoriously inept at; I've written other posts both positive and not-so-much about my reliance on others for self-definition and purpose.

A thought that kept circling me today was that... there's no point doing anything right now; nothing available to me would be contributing meaningfully to other people's lives. Anything I could choose to do would be morally equivalent to fast-forwarding to tomorrow, so I may as well just do that.

The fact that I could spend time doing things that contribute to my life didn't seem to really register.

Aside from that, it wasn't even strictly a true thought. I spent a few hours today playing a game that my girlfriend is really into, so now I'm a little closer to forfeiting my soul to yet another MMO being able to play alongside her properly.

Hardly a life-changing act, but... the small things are important.

I also spent a little time cleaning up the prototype for my uni assignment, which if you extrapolate out has all sorts of cascade effects. I really wanna finish this diploma; I don't want to burn out and drop it like I have almost every other academic pursuit I've started.

...But the more I examine that desire, the more it's painfully obvious that I'm not doing it for myself. At least, not beyond the way that everything we do is inherently selfish, etc.

I've been really into learning drums recently, in spite of having barely any opportunities to practice. For a little while there, it seemed like I might not ever get the chance to play with the friends who were partially the reason I started getting into it.

Thankfully as fuck, that seems to be swinging back the other way again, but... while it was in limbo, I thought a little about whether I'd still want to learn to play, even if I had nobody to play with.

Surprisingly, the answer was yes. I wanna do this for myself. It's such a rare feeling for me.

But I still had to question it, and that... undermines the feeling a little. Oh well - I suppose I have a few things to practice there.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. Even shrouded in this clinging coating of apathy, I still feel my little candle of hope burning somewhere underneath. It's a sorta nice change actually, to not be entirely consumed by a single feeling. Weird.

G'night friends. Sweet dreams. 💚💛💜

I guess I'm scared that I'm imaginary
That I invent myself every day, so other people don't have to
That who I really am is secondary to what I want everyone else to see
And I'm scared that I'm crazy, but God help me, I'm twice as scared I'm sane
'Cause then what excuse do I have for treating people like problems that need to be solved or explained?