hiatus
it's 2am. i know i should go to sleep, but its difficult. everyone else is already there, and i dont know how to find the way on my own. i've always struggled to get to sleep by myself.
i scroll through social media instead. trick myself into feeling emotions.
i read about how, if the earth were to spontaneously stop spinning, the rotation of the moon would jumpstart it again.
i feel like the moon, for poetic and inexplicable reasons that i wont try and describe here.
i doubt i would be as effective as the moon, but all i can do is try.
i read about two friends who made a habit of playfully insulting each other, until one of them realised it wasn't playful anymore. her friend wasn't laughing anymore.
so she changed. she started showing love and tenderness and enthusiastic affection in all the places that were previously reserved for teasing and wit and 'friendly' bullying.
her friend started laughing again.
i should go to sleep. the logical part of my brain insists i do know how, it's easy, it's a fundamental physiological process and if i put our body in a bed our body will perform it.
i stare blankly at the logical part of my brain. she doesnt realise that our bed is behind a closed door, and the ghosts are holding it shut.
over the years i have turned 'goodnight' into a ritual and a plea and a devotion all in one. it is simultaneously reserved for only those people that i trust most, and also flung at anyone who will listen and return it, call and response.
i have a lot of these little rituals.
today my friend put on a skirt and i thought my heart would burst with happiness.
also, she's really pretty.
i'm going to go downstairs and open the door and put the ghosts to bed and see if they will accept me having a nap as well. i'm quite sleepy.
goodnight.