home is where the heart is, pt2 (a mild episode of cardiac arrest)

22nd Jun, 2025

I start moving tomorrow.

we finally made a decision about the where - I'm moving in with my girlfriend and her girlfriend and their various 3 other housemates after all.

i'm sad about it, in a handful of healthy ways. mostly cause I visited my other housemate's new house last night, and its fucking epic there. big garden, cool kitchen, trapdoor to the dungeon, heated hallway floor tiles. I liked the vibes a lot

now I'll probably visit there 3-4 times and then it'll all get too hard for me and I'll start making excuses about why I can't make it to boardgames this week. and then the invites eventually stop.

okay, yeah. there's a few unhealthy reasons too.

but I made my choice. I chose the house where I had a decent chance of getting myself to school on time, and buying food regularly, and seeing my girlfriend often enough that I'll be a little less scared about our relationship falling apart as each little piece of foundation it was built on continues to fall away.

so... yeah, there's stuff im happy about too. i do really enjoy the idea of only being seperated from my girlfriend by a single staircase. i wont fucking admit it again, but im hopeful the proximity will be helpful for another relationship too. and at least ill be out of the current shitstorm. maybe i'll get a cat¹.

I can already sorta picture the end of the year, when I pass all my assignments and I've made something cool, gritted my teeth and headbutted my way through the depression-induced lethargy.

I can picture how im gonna have to let everyone's pride, the congratulations and the loving accolades bounce off me like personal little scathing reminders of everything I'm sacrificing to make sure I actually get there.

sometimes these days I fantasise about getting on a plane, flying up to darwin and leaving everything behind. disappearing into the outback there, the thousands of kilometres of 40 degree desert for half the year and wetlands and torrential rainfall for the other half, doing stupid shit to survive and not caring about anything. drop my phone on a train line somewhere and watch it be shattered into a thousand pieces, along with all the strings back to the life I have here.

eventually i probably drown or die of exposure or snakebite or by a fucking gum tree dropping a branch on me, I don't fucking know. but at least i'll see some interesting shit along the way.

but can't do that just yet, not for the next three days at least.

gotta move house first.