little gestures

24th Jun, 2025

all I have to say in defence of my last post is that it was 5:30 ay em, and I was somewhat delirious. By all means still hold me accountable to my bullshit though.

Anyway.

- - - - -

I have a particular... theme, or perhaps priority, to my love languages that I think is a bit fucked up. I dunno if it's at all unique; if it's not, then I'd probably also reassess how fucked I think it is. I dunno.

I really like grandiose gestures. The pebbles thrown against the window, the cute dinner dates with the bottle of wine. I spent a little time tonight observing one of my friends doing something meaningful for someone else, and internally I marvelled about how fucking sweet that is. To put aside such a chunk your time in the pursuit of someone else's happiness. It made me happy just to be a witness of that, y'know?

My girlfriend helped me move house over the last two days, and a handful of other friends came along to contribute at various points too. I'm incredibly grateful. I feel loved for it, and I felt intense happiness at each moment someone arrived and said "hey, you need a hand?"

...and yet.

and yet, not to devalue those things in any way, the core of what makes me feel most loved is instead... much smaller.

Someone smiling when they see me. Ruffling my hair as you walk past. Extending the hug just a moment longer than it reasonably needed to be. Seeing someone I love wearing one of my tshirts. Someone asking about, and then listening to my ramble about some aspect of my day. Them telling me something about theirs, and going a bit more into detail than is perhaps polite, because fuck you, I want to hear the intimate details of your life, y'know?

...despite how sweet all these little things sound, it makes me a feel a bit... broken. Because I know I have made people feel unappreciated before, rather unintentionally.

It's worse when it's also honest.

Sometimes I am aware that a person has gone to such lengths for my benefit, made grand and brilliant gestures of love... and I still feel vaguely unloved, because we stopped saying goodnight regularly, or they didnt put a sticker on their pokemon gift this morning, or they didnt really respond when I tried to ask about their day.

I'm fully aware how unfair and irrational that is. Logically, I am so aware that people simply have to drop the little things sometimes when they are tired, and it should be the greater gestures, the greater expenditures of energy that matter more.

Alas, I am a small and very silly puppy. And on top of that, a hopeless romanticiser of the domestic, day-to-day moments.

It's rather frustrating. I'm frustrated. If you are my friend, I am sorry for making you feel unappreciated.

And I do say this with intent to perhaps change a little. To do better. I'll probably fail though; this is... unfortunately quite intrinsic to me. I'll have to shuffle quite a few parts of myself around.

Gimme time. I'll make it work.

In the meantime, know that your gestures mean the world to me. I may be shit at showing it, or even feeling it, but in my moments of clarity I do see you. I know the effort you make.

And just know, that if you ever want to show a little love, but can't summon the energy for a big gesture,

a little one will probably mean just as much. 💚