New experiences

6th May, 2025

Here I am, being a contradiction again.

I said I wasn't going to post here every day just for the sake of it, and yet I found myself getting itchy to write something after a few days without an entry. I don't have anything particular in mind to talk about, I just... want to write.

This is a good thing overall, I think.

The last few days have been a wonderfully, horribly novel experience. I managed to catch covid, for the first time. How I avoided it this long, I don't know. Why I've finally lost my apparent immunity/lucky streak now, I also don't know.¹

Here's a dumbass list of observations I've made about this over the last couple days:

• "At some point last night I coughed up all of my lungs."
• "My sinuses are heavy."
• "I've never been so aware of the inside of my own lungs."
• "...feeling like my joints have been soaked in vinegar."
• "All my bones are angry with me."
• "You could wring my lungs out like a sponge."²

It's just been a good time, basically! I love new experiences, and as someone who rarely gets sick - much less to this extent - this certainly counts.

(Joking and half-genuine optimism aside... god, not being able to breathe if I sit upright for more than 10 minutes SUCKS. Thankfully, the worst of it seems to have passed.)

As such, the last couple days have been... annoyingly uneventful. Usually I'd relish a little time to do nothing, but it doesn't feel nearly as good when I'm not getting any real rest out of it - and I'm really starting to miss my motivation to do things. What could have been 3 days of solid study and game development time has instead been spent... mostly napping, and halfheartedly gaming.

I did accomplish a couple things I'm proud of, notably acquiring a copy of the second Lord of the Rings movie to watch with friends some time, and resuming my attempts to read some Xmen comics (which are WILDLY amusing, by the way. Truly a product of their time, for many reasons).

But overall... eh. I'm bored. I've spent an entire month feeling emotionally caged in my own head, too distracted by the wasps in my skull to get much done. And now, while still recovering from that, I find myself both mentally exhausted and physically trapped in this little room. You have no idea how much I'm craving a cup of tea right now, but I'm too wary of contaminating the communal kitchen to go make one.

I want to start practicing woodcarving again, and play my bass. I wanna go down the road some time and borrow my friend's drumkit. I wanna go for walks, go driving with my girlfriend, borrow my best friend's nice macro lens and go take pictures of spiders. I wanna finish the three different games I have half-started on my laptop - or at least work on them. I wanna start writing poetry and fiction again.

There's so much life to live, and so many more interesting people I could be. I don't really know what's still keeping me in this tired stagnancy, apart from the blatantly obvious - but somehow I suspect it won't go away with a few days rest like this virus will.

But moping about it won't do anything either, I suppose. And hey! If nothing else, I've written this entry today. That's something.

We'll see what this month brings. Wish me luck keeping my lungs on the inside of my body, plz.

💚💚