no title only thoughts
"do you want to cook dinner later?"
butter, pasta, olive oil. mincing garlic; one of the few skills I haven't dropped over the years, simple as it is. i've always admired your penchant for being able to put a meal together out of almost nothing. it makes me look forward to cooking with you in a proper kitchen again.
... ...
"oh my god we've made a truly absurd amount of cake"
this one starts in an odd place, smoking a cigarette outside on a friday afternoon. i'm grumpy, i feel like shit, i feel unseen. traffic out of the city was hell. i come within half a breath of cancelling the whole thing and spending the weekend alone.
i dont remember what changed my mind.
i do remember having the most fun baking with you that i've had... maybe ever. and as if we were being watched over just this once, everything went to plan, even the mistakes. especially the mistakes.
it's a small, silly thing to be proud of, but i'm really proud of you.
... ...
"as I write this in the notes on my phone, I'm watching [____] sitting at the kitchen table..."
i really like making art. i especially like making art that isn't always recognisable as art, or isn't as good as other art, or doesn't seem to have much of a point in the way that art allegedly should.
i really liked making your card. i let it be silly, and imperfect, and heartfelt. i leaned into the mistakes. i leaned into the childishness. i leaned into the cringe - because you called me that once, and nobody has said it as lovingly before or since.
you seemed to really like it too.
of course you're worth the time, the effort, the vulnerability of being imperfect and cringe.
you're the one who created the safe place for me to do that. so for who else, if not you?
... ...
"you know you're welcome here, at any hour... and i hope you know i mean it"
i didn't say it, but a little voice in my head replied, "i know that i hope you do."
its not as pessimistic as it sounds. it takes a lot for me to hope, right now. i treasure the moments when I can.
i smiled at those words, and at many of the ones that followed. you beat me to saying "i love you" by about two seconds, and I smiled at that too.
i'll go to sleep alone, but in a good mood tonight. another thing to treasure.
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"the last of the guests aside from the four of us are just about to depart... [____] is layin in my lap on the couch while we chat about philosophy n stuff lmao"
that evening was a roulette of emotions and moods and thoughts. i enjoyed most of it, and i didnt cry until right at the very end, and i'm infinitely glad i was there.
i would have thought [______ ___ ____ ___] would be a highlight of the night for me, but it was a night of so many good things. seeing you both experience dozens of little moments of happiness - those are always worth remembering.
i also had a wonderful time chatting away part of the night with someone who wasn't at the party at all, and i'm happy about that. i hope we stay friends. i hope we play more games together. i hope i get to cook with her as well one day.
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motorcycle rides - in the rain, at night, through the city, teaching you to corner, the way that you grip my sides when you're happy and excited, the joy we both get from wiggling down the street, the feeling of letting a howl rip out of my throat as we ride slightly too fast, feeling/hearing you echo it, your laughter, the way I can feel your tone and body language so much clearer through the way you sit behind me than I've ever been able to while looking at your face.
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driving through the city. lunch. reading unhinged prose. feeling the exhaustion slough away word by word (even if it's a temporary respite). bookstore. down the escalator. you always make things sound exactly as interesting as they are (compared to everyone else, who tend to describe the world so underwhelmingly). wholesome interactions with strangers. feeling safe to nap next to you for an hour or two. wishing i felt brave enough to ask earnestly. commiseration. the understanding of two people feeling the same vicarious grief. trusting you to be family. the way the world makes sense for a little while when its just you and me.
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writing this, and knowing my world and my life and my friends are all full of love.
💚💛🩷