phases of the moon

11th Nov, 2025

first of all; i apologise for the pun that is the title of this post. i hope the eye roll it elicits is accompanied by at least some amount of reluctant smile.

second; this post is blatantly written for a specific person. i'm making it public because i like to shout my feelings from rooftops. if the pun hasn't given it away already, it'll become obvious soon.

third; yes, i know this is my fourth post today. fuck you, i do what i want. this has this one chance to exist. even if i save it and write it later, it wont be this post anymore. i feel unusually enthusiastic about writing today, and i'm capitalising on that.

fourth and finally; this is gonna be a long, messy as fuck ramble. im pouring out some embarassing, cringeworthy feelings here. a part of me is definitely afraid it'll be Too Much.

but i won't apologise for it the way i would have previously. you may have a problem with it, and if so we'll deal with that.

if there's anything i've learnt from you, its how to love loudly and unapologetically. i'd be a fool to not embody that here, i think. more than that, i hope some part of you approves of the brashness and audacity and genuine earnestness of it.

so.

without further ado...

- - - - - -

it's late. 3am, to be almost-exact. unlike a couple hours ago, i could probably lay down and sleep now. but im choosing not to, for the sake of this.

i've spent the last hour or more going through a bunch of your old blog posts, starting at the very beginning and working through to around the start of May... plus a scattered handful after that which i specifically wanted to revisit.

once upon a time, these posts were how i got to know you. at a time when you were keeping me at a distance and dancing gracefully around my attempts to be your friend, they were the cheat codes that let me know i should keep trying - one part via the occasional hints that you left to that effect, and one part due to just how deeply i related to many of them, and the way that left me absolutely sure i shouldn't give up on you.

not ever.

reading your posts still makes me happy. after all, a number of them document good memories we had together, even if they rarely mention it directly. a very rare few do mention me by name, which always stoked my malnourished ego.

in hindsight, possibly as many as 3 or 4 of those posts were almost-directly calling me out for my bullshit, which i chafed at at the time and absolutely needed. i'm sure there'll be more to come.

it's been a fascinating, joyous, heartbreaking, and incredibly rewarding experience to be your friend these past 9 or so months - a number that feels impossibly small. haven't i know you forever?

you've gone through such journeys as a person in the time since we met. many, many of your posts are dedicated to elements of yourself - flaws and regrets, moments of triumph, your aspirations, your fears, your devotions and loves. i get the impression that the girl who wrote some of those posts could hardly concieve of who you've become today, not even a brief year later.

i've had the honour of watching you struggle with the flaws you so often documented - and i say 'honour' because that means i've also been here to see you overcome them. sometimes directly, sometimes through reframing, but always with a fierce determination that i so admire.

i've seen you reach goals that you barely let yourself aspire to just a few months ago. i've seen you slip back into some of your flaws time and again, and then get back up and pick up the pieces anyway. i've learnt from your kindness, your compassion, your stubborness and most of all your unquenchable optimism, a flame that has so often been smothered but has so far never failed to burst back to life at the slightest touch of oxygen. a flame that has been instrumental in bolstering my own when i have been afraid and uncertain.

you are not perfect. your flaws are real. you have hurt others, made mistakes, mishandled situations. of course you have. you're human, not a machine. you misjudge things. you run out of energy at inopportune moments. you have a dark side, the same as any of us.

i wouldn't have you any other way.

many of your posts were about this - a fear that you will be left alone with and due to your flaws, that the pattern will always repeat.

that is why i am writing this now. i'm not here to praise only your good traits, to advocate for your best side and conviniently omit any mention of the negative.

your best side is gorgeous though, so i am bringing that up occasionally too-

...no, i'm here to say something that i hope is far more meaningful: you are an inspiration not in spite of your flaws, but because of them, because of the way they exist alongside your many admirable virtues.

i made a decision a few months ago. you're aware of it, because i wrote my own blog post about it.

i chose happiness. your happiness, specifically. i made it my priority, even if it meant burning down everything else to feed that determination.

i don't know if i've ever externally reaffirmed that choice since then, in a way that's seemed meaningful to you. but i'm doing it now: i've thought about that proclamation almost every day since i made it those couple of months ago.

your happiness is important to me. it might be the most important thing to me still, to the extent that such a thing is quantifiable.

(i hope it doesnt come across as obsession. you wrote about that once yourself, actually - the fear that your love for people would seem obsessive. so i hope you understand this as the deep love that it is, and nothing more).

i also want to be very clear: i say this entirely without expectation that it is mutual, or that it will be returned, or this post even answered. if i was making this statement with the expectation of it being reciprocated, it would be an inherently tainted thing - and also i'd be very stupid. i know it's not mutual, at least not to the same level.

to counterbalance that, i'll say that i know my happiness is important to you, even if not your first priority. you've demonstrated that, and i'm more than content with it.

i also won't try and claim that your happiness will always and forever be my highest priority - some part of me is honestly surprised that this resolution has lasted three months so far, but nevertheless it has. things ebb and flow, after all. i know that it's true today, i am fairly confident it will still be true tomorrow, and after that... i can only be optimistic, and keep choosing to reaffirm it. but i certainly intend to.

with all of that said... i am still rife with flaws of my own. sometimes i lose sight of whats important to me. quite often, i act in ways that run counter to who i want to be. so i'm not going to try and claim that i have worked doggedly towards your happiness at every moment of every day. i haven't. i've stumbled. i know i've hurt you badly at times too.

but i try my best to emulate you. i get back up when i fall. i gather the scattered pieces, remember what matters, and keep trying.

this is why i love you for your flaws. i couldn't love someone who was perfect. i could worship them perhaps, place you on a pedestal to keep you unreachable and pristine.

but every pedestal i have ever placed you on, you have torn down. you keep yourself in my life, not above it. you've shown me how to live with the fear of not being good enough, and yes, live in spite of that.

i worry that this might seem like i am glorifying certain things you dislike about yourself. in truth, i would be happy if you overcame and outgrew every single one of your flaws and became a perfect person - so long as you were happy with that too. if anyone could do it, i think it probably is you.

but you don't need to be afraid of keeping them, i think.

in some ways, having spent a good chunk of time tonight reading your old posts, i'm probably speaking to a version of you who no longer really exists. i don't think you're as afraid of people leaving as you once were - due in part, i'm sure, to the wonderful girl who now shares so much of your life. i'm endlessly grateful to her for the joy she brings you. i'm even more grateful for the security and confidence i think the two of you have built together. you deserve it.

but if any of that old doubt remains, i guess i'm speaking to that version of you, saying the words i already knew but was too uncertain to say back then:

your flaws will not drive us away. you are not going to end up alone again. nor do you have to be striving for perfection all the time. it is not only your best attributes that keep us at your side - though we clearly and earnestly love you for those too, and for the light that you bring to our lives.

every part of you matters. all of you is inspiration and solace and worthy of love, not just your most ontologically good traits.

you are quietly beautiful on your worst days, and absolutely radiant on your best.

you're my best friend. no other individual thing really brings me more joy than seeing you happy, and that's always what loving someone has meant to me.

i wanna keep seeing you grow. i want to do whatever little i can to clear the way for that.

i hope to be there for so many more birthdays, and to one day celebrate your wedding, and to welcome you home after every journey. i want to mourn your losses and share your grief, whenever you'll allow me. i intend to be here for the long run.

i hope you'll have me, in whatever shape or form or frequency makes you most happy.

i'm gonna end this here, i think. i could keep rambling for another hour, with specific examples of things i love about you and ways you've been a joy and an inspiration, but... i hope you get the gist. i've been sappy enough for one night, and hopefully you're not cringing in embarassment too much.

i'll never forget the girl who sat at the desk next to mine, and all the adventures we've had since then.

i love you 🌙🐭!
sweet dreams,

💚💛