Proceed with care
26th May, 2025
I had a conversation with a friend last night1. Part of it went like this.
"are you trying to address that [root] cause?"
"do you think I am?"
"i think it's easy not to... for anyone"
The 'root cause' we're talkin about here is the one at the core of the various ridiculous problems I've written (and not written) about recently.
"what do you think the root cause is. any insights?"
"i mean obvious knife in the dark... the root jealousy/inadequacy, right. abandonment trauma. whatever."
It's not precisely the words I would have used, but it's not wrong. It's pretty close, even.
"Inadequacy" sums up a lot of it; always feeling like I'm lacking something, uninteresting, unlovable, less-than, inferior subpar suboptimal superfluous substandard2 out-of-place beside-the-point deprioritised needy pointless purposelessannoyingaggravatingdysphoricdyinguntrustworthyflawed--
Whatever! The thoughts go round and round. They're as pointless as they claim I am. Nothing is being accomplished there.
So maybe I should address this root cause.
This morning I hung out with a very cool friend. We got coffee, swapped childhood stories about ways we've mildly injured ourselves doing dumb shit, watched the rain, talked programming for a bit. I was gonna head straight home afterwards, but instead he also invited me to lunch a little later that afternoon, so I hung around for that. In the meantime, I played Mariokart and talked to a different friend who I haven't really seen for a while.
It was all cozy. It was all nice. Both friends expressed something along the lines of "Hey, we should do this again soon. I've missed your company."
Last night, I was feeling incredibly like shit. I cried for most of 3 straight hours. I sent that friend a message; saying hey, I dunno if I'm gonna rock up tomorrow for coffee. I'm exhausted.
Among other things, he sent back this.
"You're a very capable, intelligent person who's very fun to hang out with, and who has more integrity than most people I know."
Is that true? I don't know. But he thinks so.
The 'integrity' part I can perhaps construct an argument against; I'm fairly sure I know the specific situation that he was referring to with that, and it's one among many, and among those many I have more often not showed very much fucking integrity at all.
But the rest? an opinion piece. And I'd be a shit friend to deny someone their genuine opinion. I don't get to say that he's wrong. I respect the guy too much, y'know?
So who am I?
If I face this fear, examine those thoughts, and realise they are wrong after all,
If I choose to finally let go of the abandonment trauma, the feeling that I must always be useful because I am never good enough,
If I turn towards the greatest source of light in my life and acknowledge that hey, holy shit, there's a person who's been here the whole time, who has trusted me through everything, who still thinks the fucking WORLD of me despite all my flaws, and that person is the girl I love most in the world... if I acknowledge that either she's wrong, or I'm wrong, (and I know which of us I trust more,)
Where does that leave me?
WHO does that leave me?
Perhaps we begin to see why I'm so fucking afraid of not being the bad person here. It's so much easier if I let myself be the root of all evil. It's so much easier if I don't look any further than my own rot.
More to come on this later, maybe.
What would you do?
💚💚