proving myself wrong

13th Jul, 2025

5am seems like a great time to rebuild my blog, am I right?

here goes nothing. we're starting with a poem, by technicality. Cause I've never known how else to say the shit I needa say

will you believe me if I tell you it's not to anyone in particular?

...yeah. fair enough.

🐝

I'm sorry for all the shit I said last night
(huh, I think I've started a poem like this before-)

it's so typical of this
mess of contradictions in my head
that what I wanted to do was make out with you,
(to Pidgeon Pit, of all goddamn things)
and what I did was ruin what little mood there was instead

(shit, I guess we're doing rhymes now)

is this conventional?
is this
how it's meant to go?
am I talking about the poem? or everything else?

i don't know if I know

here's the thought running through my head all night:
i'm not good enough
and ✨I DONT CARE ✨

cause i'm thinking, maybe if you can be happy
i can figure out how to be too
it's not like you don't have your own
10-year-long laundry list of bullshit you've been through

and for all my assurances
of soft plans and not talking anymore
here I fucking am

talking music, trying to learn your songs
pouring my heart out in defiance
against the constant background screech, "she doesn't care"
making plans I don't even know if I want

(the spark/creature/child in my chest
has always known what we want)

and I know in, oh, about 48 hours
i'll be back in the soup, the sludge,
this depressed pattern of thought
telling myself I can't change shit

well, that's why I'm writing this poem
or whatever this is
my weary little kernel of anger
and hope
and defiant shame
cradled in my fist

(and I feel your fingers pry my other hand open
despite what I said I wanted)
(thank you)

so here's the end of the poem

maybe in a few days, I wake up one morning
still wanting to [ ] after all

it just happens like that
we'll deal with it

tonight I'm in love, and determined
i'm not fricking going anywhere
cause despite myself, I really like

this feeling of being alive with you

🐝

(not my best work)
(doesn't matter. that's never been the point.)

and there are things, in your life
that you were made to run away from
but it's not your grief, or your pain
or any other kind of love-!

💚