recursive loop

11th Apr, 2025

here I am, doing my favourite thing again: changing my damn mind

it's like 12:40am, and I should really be getting up and making myself something to eat before I go to bed. I wanna be up early tomorrow, for reasons.

Instead, I'm gonna write two blogs in one night again. Truly, the drought is over.

Previously I mentioned a dear friend, cat, and angel of a person who came over to spend a part of the evening with me.

It was of course a brilliant time, in spite of my uncertainties and envies and reservations. We watched Xmen '97, talked, talked some more about Chernobyl, watched more Xmen '97. Extremely normal activities.

She went home, and I scared the shit out of myself walking back in the dark and jumping at every leaf in the wind.

So hana, you ask. What have you changed your mind about?

Well, you see...

you see

...

I'm not sure, actually. But I feel that I have.

People have been reaffirming to me quite often recently that I have nothing to apologise for, that I am doing enough. This feels catastrophically and absurdly untrue on multiple counts, as far as I can perceive.

But perhaps its worth acknowledging at this point that I know fuck all, and I do deeply trust my friends to be smarter than me a lot of the time.

I'd love to write another blog post about how tonight fixed me. How spending a little time talking with someone I love has solved my ills and ailments and I am whole again, however temporarily.

Unfortunately its not true. I still feel the hell pit of anxiety in my stomach. I am still tired and afraid of the weekend.

But I've maybe learnt something.

I can be in that state and still feel okay sometimes. I can enjoy the company of friends. Moreso, perhaps they can enjoy my company.

Something was said tonight that has given me a small weapon against the wasps. I'm not quite going to elaborate, but suffice to say that its nice to know that I exist beyond my pale sphere of direct influence, as mundane as that seems.

Tonight I'm okay. I don't know about tomorrow. I still have a lot of questions to ask, mostly of myself.

For now I'm gonna go make pasta, that pasta and the love of a few friends may deflect the beam attacks for a while.

Don't let my prior self of a few hours ago fool you - you can feel like shit, and life can still be good.

Life is good tonight.