Retroactive

2nd Apr, 2025

"I know it'll be true in the future, so it may as well retroactively be true right now"

This is something I said to a friend recently¹, and I’ve been thinking about it a bit since then.

Usually, this comes up because that same friend is calling me out on it somehow - I’ll be caught resigning myself to a negative future, one which hasn’t yet come to pass, because… well, may as well get the bullshit over and done with, right? Surely if I grieve now, I’ll have less to do later.

Of course, some of you might know the phrase, “Don’t borrow grief from the future.”²

If you don’t, it’s roughly synonymous with the much sillier “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” - which is to say, don’t act with certainty on outcomes that are not yet certain. You may be borrowing that grief from a future that will never exist. And worse, you risk bringing it about by believing in it. Manifestation, and all that.

All of this is just backdrop though, because this time when I said it, I meant it in a surprisingly positive light. I said it with trust.

When you have a very good friend, a close friend, certain obligations tend to rear their disagreeable little faces at times.

That you will prioritise each other. That time will be set aside, commitments made, promises kept, favours returned and repaid. And yeah, it is good when these things happen. These are the basis for trust and camaraderie and the intertwining of hearts. They should and perhaps must exist.

But they should not be obligations. They should not be expectations.

They can and should be discussed, asked for, offered, even relied upon, because often the greatest thing you can do for someone you love is allow them to be there for you, to bear the weight of your burdens.

But for them to become an expected obligation is to poison them, I think. If it does not come from within, or mutually, the basis of trust becomes a basis of resignation and resentment instead.

And this is why, on that night, when I asked for that extra love, that extra support - I did not expect it to be delivered. Not now, not next week, not really ever.

I don’t need to expect it, because I know it will be there when it’s ready. Not an obligation - just a little wish out to the universe. “It’d be nice, if this happened.”

Because this is a friendship that does not need to be tested or proven - or if it is tested, the outcome is examined with curiosity only, not judgement.

I know my friends care. I know they have my back. I know, if it came to it, that mountains would move.

This is the basis of good friendships. There can be no debt, because it has already been repaid and remade a hundredfold. There is never a price, because the reward is in the act of service itself.

And so for once, acting upon this uncertainty is not a bad thing. I can take the leap of faith that I will be cared for when I need it, because it will be true when it matters and therefore already is, has always been true. And I can do my utmost to repay that kindness-in-waiting, because I know that I owe everything and nothing to my friends, both at once and always, forever.

This is something I am lucky to be able to believe about a small but important handful of people these days - which certainly hasn’t always been true. I’m quite fucking grateful for that.

And this friend, who so often calls me out on my bullshit - I believe it about her most of all. It isn’t why I love her. There’s a million more complicated reasons for that.

But it is what allows me to make the choice to do so, over and over. To keep trying to love a little bit better.

A/N: This is a bit of a weirdass post to start off with - I had a whole script for how I was gonna introduce people to this, but I set myself a deadline to have something up by the end of tonight, and this is what was at the forefront of my brain. So, forgive the cold start.
Keep an eye on it. If we're all unlucky, I'll have something more cohesive up as an introduction soon, and maybe even do something with all those currently-404 pages.