scum (like the short film)
there's a movie showing tonight, and my best friend has the lead role.
i've been looking forward to it for a couple weeks, and if i had any kind of long-term memory that would be months instead. i remember how excited she was to be part of it during filming.
i'm thinking about not going to see it after all.
i feel like i cant keep up. for every two steps i take forward, everyone else takes three.
is that my fault? maybe. probably. i could blame other things too, i suppose. disability, mental health, the fact that i had my whole sense of self erased at 15 and i'm still trying to restore it.
but, that doesnt feel good. i'd rather take responsibility. i'd rather be the one behind my mistakes.
i'm not sure it makes them any easier to fix, realistically. but i can pretend.
we made something together once upon a time, and i've respected her with my whole heart ever since. two years of looking forward to whatever she makes next, and hopefully a lot more years and a lot more things to look forward to still.
i wish i was more a part of it all. but wishing does fuck all.
maybe i'll be worthy of respect too, one day. when i finish figuring out who i am.
in the meantime, i probably will go to her movie tonight. that is just part of who i am.