hope; part 2? (stalwart automaton)

18th Apr, 2025

Hello again !

Frankly, I have no idea if this is going to be the post I intended to write last night. I did not particularly retain, as it turns out. I barely remember writing the last one, at 2am with my eyes blinking shut.

I know that it was going to be some further thing on hope and friends and asking for things. But I don't know which direction I was gonna take it.

Ah well. Here goes nothing. You can just write stuff and nobody will know it's not what you intended to write about.¹ It really is free and easy.

🐝 🐝 🐝

Today I slept in until 1pm, which wasn't exactly intentional, and I'm still not sure if it was necessary. Sleep debt is a bitch, especially when it's actually just ordinary emotional lethargy in disguise.

I spent a couple of hours of the afternoon still lazing around doing nothing much, and then I finally decided I was gonna get some of my little tasks done today. And that felt good.

The motivating factor in the end was a social one, as it so often is. My girlfriend sent me a screenshot of her current Slay The Spire run, and I decided I was gonna set up my desk and my pc again so that I could play alongside her.²

I'd been feeling vaguely lonely all day, but not for any particular reason or for want of something specific. I think I have just grown used to having people around me quite often, and today I felt their absence.

But that can be okay too. Learning to be alone is important.

I ended up on voicecall with my gamer girlfriend for a couple hours, alternating playing and watching the other person play runs. It was a type of cozy we hadn't done together for a while, one that often feels more intimate and important to me even than seeing each other in person, despite common logic. So I'm quite grateful to her for that <3

I also intended to finally put together a bigger bed frame afterwards, but while digging around for cables earlier that afternoon I came across two old strings of fairy lights, the kind with a 2xAA battery pack attached.

Of course, being a massive lesbian I am A) prone to sudden bouts of inadvisable electronics projects, and 2) absolutely infatuated with fairy lights. Futhermore, being an autistic little goofball I cannot STAND the big light, which is what I had been mostly surviving by since moving rooms.

All this to say, I proceeded to lose two hours of time on an attempt to splice a USB cable onto the end of each string of lights, instead of the battery box.³

ELECTRONICS CHECK: SUCCESS

Which was obviously extremely worth it, but I can't exactly sleep on them now, never mind invite my girlfriend or various other goofballs over to sleep on them. Alas, the quest for sleeping space continues...

🐝 🐝 🐝

This is really just turning into a recount of my day, plus a certain amount of self-indulgent flair. It's fun, but it's still not really what I meant to write about.

Unfortunately I don't know what I do want to write about. There's plenty of topics, sure. I haven't forgotten about my Hamlet bit, or the music I was gonna overexplain. I need to get a card reader so I can post some photography, but I could still write about that in the meantime.

But I wanna produce something emotionally positive tonight. I wanna somehow link back to the title of the post, this phrase running through my head that I won't quite explain but nevertheless want to elaborate about.

It's very Gender right now, I'll say that much. It's a concept that's been lurking on the periphery of my personality for some time. Semi-recently, it was cemented by a song with a similar name, despite that song not really being about the concept as I feel it in any way.

Automaton; "something that performs a task, and is meant to perform that task, and will cease to be, instead being something else entirely, if it were to cease performing (or attempting to perform) that task."

It's not quite what any dictionary would tell you about the word, although one of the definitions is close⁴.

Reading over those other definitions though, I do find some kind of catharsis and familiarity in all three. Maybe that's mentally ill of me, maybe not. It's pretty common for autistic people to find identity and self-expression in unusual places.

Take all that as you will. Ask me about it, if you want. Honestly I have no idea what the answer would be, but I think it would be nice.

🐝 🐝 🐝

I spoke a little to a friend tonight about engaging with other people's hobbies and interests, even if you don't personally have any stake in them. They seemed surprised⁵ to learn that I viewed them as someone who would go out of their way to do as much, moreso than many people⁶.

One of the most meaningful expressions of love is simply to take an interest, I think. If someone shares something with you, then no matter how inconsequential it seems they are probably hoping for a response, even though it may not be a conscious act on their part.

And if you are close to them, important enough to be sought out, then whether or not you react and listen and engage means so much more than you might expect - again, probably more than they even consciously realise.

It's lightly ironic to me that this same friend once gave me an excellent piece of advice that was - at least spiritually - very much along those same lines. Go figure, but they were right.

🐝 🐝 🐝

I don't know that I'm really going anywhere with this. In my head, all of these concepts are linked, but I think it would take a much longer post to explain exactly how. Or maybe you can come up with your own version. Media exists to be interpreted, I suppose.

I'm also not sure that I really accomplished my goal of writing anything 'emotionally positive', whatever that was meant to mean. But I have written and rambled on about something, and that's probably worthwhile.

Time to wrap it up, I think. I'm glad I took the time tonight.

Toodleoo, everyone. Here's to pointless rambles and expressions of love. 🐝