temporal snapshot

17th Jun, 2025

I've been flirting with a pretty girl for about three days now. It feels really nice. Someone to talk to, in a way that means nothing and fills time and is as important as anything has ever been. By this time next week, I will not remember most of the intricacies of what we talked about. But I will remember how it made us feel.

I've been feeling adrift for about three months now; a little less, or perhaps a little more. Every passing anchor I manage to snag myself onto turns out to be just as lost in the current as I am - I'm simply now being pulled along in their wake, instead of forming my own. In and of itself, there's nothing wrong with that existence. There's a sort of peacefulness in powerlessness.

I have the words "Be Quiet. Good Puppy." written on the back of my left hand in orange sharpie. Does this mean something? Almost certainly, but I'm not really sure what anymore. I was a very different person when I sleeplessly wrote it 22 and a half hours ago, at 3am. I didn't follow either instruction in the end, and I think I'm content with that.

During the middle of today I dreamed of my ex, who I haven't spoken to since we broke up, one year eight months and twelve days ago. (It took me several minutes to do that maths, don't worry. And it's been quite a while since I bothered to do it.) In the dream I was visiting her, and she was extremely unhappy about this despite having agreed to it, suggested it somewhere in the murky depths of my head. We talked for a while, although I barely remember about what - plane tickets, knife fights, dog meat - and by the end of it we tolerated each other again. Then I woke up, and it felt more real than some of the actual conversations I once had with her.

The nights are quiet at the moment. Sleeping isn't, it's loud, full of chemical activity and synapses misfiring and ghosts trying to be real again. But the nights are quiet. Everyone seems to be in a sort of hibernation, fugue, low power mode. Did it get cold before we were prepared for it? or is this just a part of our lifecycle? There's only one way to find out, and a million ways to never know for sure.

I'm moving house soon. That sentence alone carries enough weight that I don't really want to explain it further. I'll know what I meant, reading back on this.

There's some darker numbers that I think I would list here, if it was just for me. But knowing other people will see this, I'll keep it simple and abstract: less than 24 hours, and just under a week. But I'm hopeful about it.

On a more lighthearted note,
hm. I don't actually know how to continue that. I'm not feeling very lighthearted, which is not to say that I'm feeling sad. But my eyes do keep trying to close, and sometimes they even succeed. I am cozy and its actually kinda warm right now. I have 3 people I wanna go say goodnight to, plus one whom I already have. That's quite worthwhile, I think. I'm grateful.

Tomorrow, I hope I'll be proud of myself.

I already know I'll be proud of you <3