the time will pass anyway
one day i will have posters and walls to put them on
an xbox, the original one, and a 360 and maybe a ps2, and a cute shelf of all the games i love. a handful from my uncle, everything i found from the trade-in pile at eb games, more not yet found on cashies trips and reclaimed from my dad
i'll have stickers on all the doorframes. photos i've taken, printed out, stuck up haphazardly on the wall behind my computer
the collection of cds i want to build, thrifted and found and stolen and borrowed, pirated & burnt myself. a cd player that i can take to picnics
a picnic blanket
dried flowers picked on walks softly passed around by many hands, hanging in strings around the door and in the dash of all my friend's cars
how many times can you put your whole personality through a blender and still come back together as a real person afterwards? i'm going to find out
bedsheets that are my favourite colours and your favourite colours and a million meaningless patterns
a record player and some nice speakers. i want to find more vinyls. you can never have too many copies of the things you love
new plane tickets blutacked to the wall to replace all the ones i burnt
i've shattered so many times, and i've lost so many of the pieces along the way. its gonna take time to find them all again
my nanna always had lavender in her house, on the kitchen bench and by her bed and in the dining room cabinet. there was paintings on all her walls. we believed in different gods but we believed in them for the same reasons i think. i miss her
a room that smells of gifted candles. a garage that smells like engine oil and petrol. a kitchen that smells like whatever we cooked with whoever was visiting today
windows that let in sunlight and moonlight and my friend's headlights when they pull into the driveway
there will always be music
tokens and charms and memorabilia of the games i love. there is no such thing as too cringe. its cool because i love it
i want my life to be more than a bowl of cigarette stubs and [total time played: 2,000,000 hours] and scars on my arms and nights clutching a pillow like a lifeline. i want it to be those things too. thats who i am, who i've been. but not just that, not anymore
i want long drives and songs we dont know all the lyrics to and i dont care if you dont like my angry lesbian music and the christian folk rock and the anime osts. i love them. i love them enough to care about them in front of you
i am, in part, made of all of you. everyone i've known. everyone i'm from. everyone i've forgotten and been forgotten by. but i was something else before that, and i'll be someone else after. it mattered that we were there
i think of you every time i see flowers now
i think of you every time i see the moon now
i think of you every time i hear puns now
i think of you every time i make bread or see a camera or pet a dog, now
i miss my dad. i miss my mum even more. i wish my siblings knew me, and i hope we still get the chance
my grandmother has been terminally sick for over a year, longer than they told her but less time than we all knew it would last. i think i'm the only woman in my family who isnt afraid of it, aside from her. i hope she knows ill speak at her funeral and that i'll say how proud i am. its not too late
there will be rugs on the floor and clothes i've repaired and dresses i'll never wear because thats not who i am, but sometimes it is fun to pretend. its all a pretense and thats why its so fun
fairy lights and orange leaves and bloody hearts on the wall
poetry on my skin and in my hair and dancing off my tongue
a garden full of flowers and herbs and little fruits in boxes torn apart and rebuilt with dirt under all my fingernails
shelves for all the pebbles and seashells i've picked up and taken home
i'm 26, and i have lived. it's all hidden in boxes and under layers of shame, but i have lived. i'll live some more
i think i will never not be suicidal, and some people won't like hearing that. but its part of who i am too. i dont think i can close that door, but something in me keeps stopping me from stepping through
i think if you took this unkillable spark of hope from my chest you could light up the whole world. but selfishly, i want to keep it right where it is
i'm going to find all the stories i wrote and put them together in a book or three and it will live on a wonderful bookshelf next to his dark materials and lord of the rings and mistborn and artemis fowl and the poetry people gift me
i hope these parts of me are all part of other people too. i hope there's something that makes you think of me, every time
how many times can you give up and get pulled back in anyway? too many, far far too many. thats what the hope is for
i want to watch the bees and leave the ants to do their thing and say hello to every spider i meet
i want
i'm always wanting
i'm always hoping
there will be a life. everything is on fire and i'm so very broken and you are too, but there will be a life
come over. i miss you