thoughtsmoke
i think i have accomplished what i set out to do.
what else is there, really? aren't you satisfied with what you've done?
thats always been your problem. always wanting more. always wanting to be important. never appreciating what you have.
you are beautiful, my darling. handmade, painstakingly designed, your every sharp edge and mirrored facet exactly where its meant to be.
you were carved to be a perfect cog, and here you are spinning on exactly the axis you were always meant to. you'd throw that away?
for what? individuality? love? fulfilment?
ridiculous. selfish.
you're not even an important cog. you think you can bring it all crashing down by throwing yourself off your spindle?
absurd. you'd just be making a scene, and they'd have to find a new cog.
i think i have accomplished what i set out to do.
so why stay? it's okay. you've done your bit, after all.
you know they all see it. how tired you're getting. how hard you've been trying. im sure they wouldnt mind if you took a break.
in fact, you deserve more than that. pass it all to someone else entirely. walk away from it, and never come back.
oh, you'll be missed. of course! but you won't be needed. someone else can do what you do. it's okay.
i promise. you can rest now. forget all about it, and they will too. you have such a bright future ahead of you, if you just let go.
i think i have accomplished what i set out to do.
...and somewhere along the way, i forgot whatever it was i had wanted to do instead.
i had dreams too, once. more than once.
take my hand, now. you should know better, but i'll help dust you off anyway.
those dreams were never real. fairy tales and saw dust. i know you know better.
dreams aren't for us, after all. they belong to better people, smarter people, grander people. those who still have a little starlight left in their eyes.
dreams just get you hurt. you know better. get up.
i think i have accomplished what i set out to do.
so why, why is it only getting colder?
thats it. push a little deeper. make yourself unloveable.
ah! careful now. you have to stay likeable. thats a whole different thing. you have to stay likeable, or else how will you keep them around?
its a delicate balance. can't blame you for getting it wrong a few times. it takes a lot of years to master.
i know you had dreams. i know what else you had.
you had a soulmate, once. you spent all your starlight on them, and you watched as it burnt them up. you'll carry the guilt forever.
you're a false promise.
thats why we have to do this. can't have anyone getting too close. cant let em get too far away either. medium distance is the goal. no starlight, no warmth. you'd freeze on your own.
only way is to leech it from others who still have some.
can't let them too close though. can't let them see the thing in your eyes.
push a little deeper.
yeah, there you go.
i think i have
i think i have a dream, too.
voice stealer. dream thief. heart leech. scared little bitch.
you've nothing of your own. you have to borrow it all. even this, these words, are just a mockery of someone else. you hide in their echoes because you don't know how else to be.
make yourself unloveable, as if its some grand sacrifice you're making, for the betterment of all. you know what you are.
broken cog. scratched record. straw man. blunted knife.
you know what you're doing. its right there, at the top of the page. you put it there. you think you're so clever, this self-referential meta-commentary bullshit. you learnt it all from them, and you're a pale imitation. nothing you write is your own anymore.
the only dreams you've ever had are of your own grandeur. hope turns sour and sickly on your tongue. it doesnt suit you. it never did.
problem child. bad friend. wretched thing. scratched record. scratched record.
scratched record. scratched record. scratched
i think i have spiralled and spiralled and spiralled and
in the hope that it might fling everyone away. centrifugal force, a playground ride, a grazed knee.
art is just mental illness disguised down down down in layers of abstraction and aesthetic and accusation.
this isn't what we set out to do.