Uninteresting

22nd May, 2025

I'm getting into the habit of writing something here almost every night, in spite of my stated intentions not to do that on purpose. I would argue that this isn't on purpose, which is maybe why it's worked out - I just find it's filling some sort of gap that wants to be filled. It's probably good for my emotional processing, or some such.

I just like writing.

The last two days have been fairly bland, as I haven't been able to move around much. I twisted my ankle literally running away from my problems, which I think is a grand and wonderful and stupid piece of universal humour.

Mostly I spent the time playing videogames, which... has always been my escapism activity. At one time, I spent years doing almost nothing else. Wake up, lose myself in an MMO for 10-16 hours, sleep, repeat. Maybe eat something, if I remember.

I can't really fathom doing that anymore. I mean sure, I've gotten into FFXIV recently, and according to Steam I've spent 26.5 hours playing that in the last two weeks. That's approximately 1.8 hours per day, on average. Some people would certainly consider that a lot, especially when you realise it's not the only game I play.

But after only two days of doing relatively nothing... I'm fucking bored. And this surprises me, because a lot of the time in recent months I've felt starved for time doing nothing, time spent alone. My life seems to revolve around seeing people and doing things. But as soon as I get it, I want out of it again. I wanna DO STUFF.

There's so many thing sitting in my life that I haven't done - I've written about this before. Woodcarving, photography, homework lmao, organising my room, buying a plant to take care of, visiting the local museum to talk to someone about spiders. I could be doing so much. I feel like I'm wasting yet more of my life.

But I spend any spare time I get sitting at home playing games, and I wonder why I feel so unfulfilled. Why I feel like the most uninteresting person in my friend group, because the only media I ever consume is games¹, which are somehow lesser than every other form, especially cause they're usually not even good games.

Anyway, I did spend a couple hours tonight starting a new project. I decided I wanna make an RTS game rather than just playing them, cause surely it can't be that hard, right?² Idk! It was something to do. And I did have fun, and so I wonder why I don't do this more.

it's frustrating, and it feels like I'm complaining about a problem with the obvious solution of "just go do stuff, idiot!". And yet, it's plagued me since... well, forever.

Oh well. Sorry about the vent post, friends.

Here's hoping the stupid unsolicited depression^tm symptoms clear up soon, and I can wake up in the mornings and actually feel almost like a real person again. I really wanna go for a walk in the national park to take pictures of spiders and other creatures; maybe I should invite some people along and see if that motivates me to do it.

Goodnight, dear friends. Sending you all love and wishing sweet dreams. 💚💚